Oh, and

Can I just say.. Monarch Butterflies are the craziest creatures! Have you ever watched one develop from a catterpiller? Its simply amazing; unlike anything I've ever seen. I'm really dumbfounded as to how it works.. Not to mention how they travel from as far away as Canada all the way to Mexico and form these large clusters that cover trees, staying there for 5 months to lay their eggs and die. Incredible!

world wgbh

I'm sitting here watching History Detectives on WGBH with my dad, learning about Lucy Parsons. Its really inspiring me to act a little more radical in my own life. If you don't know who she is, you should look her up.

winter time

Quick update, because I don't really have time:

The interview went so well!! The owner is really great, her and I sat there and talked about the coffee business, how Starbucks is too corporate, all sorts of art, and how they have live music there all the time. She told me that they we're looking to hire a few people a.s.a.p., and she didn't cross my name off her list like other had been. So things look good! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

The last few days have been crazy.. it's almost not even worth getting into. Too many serious feelings revealed, awkward conversations, and strange situations. But, a lot of laughs have been involved as well. Last night was margarita night at Evan Lunny's which was fun, but would have been better if I hadn't felt sick and out of it all day. And tonight is sledding at Trull Hill and campfires at Scott's parents! This will be the first time I've actually gone out and done something wintery. I'm pretty excited!

I'm going home to spend some good quality time with my dad today, too. He almost had to come get me last night.. I was a bit of a mess. It'll be good to talk to him about everything, he's the one person in my life I know I can always count on.

Some sad news.. I found out last night that one of our cats died. She was the momma of all the cats, and we've had her for a while. What makes the situation so sad is that she was always sort of a miserable cat, never liking attention (she would always hide out), and she was always sort of sickly. But over the last year she was finally coming out of her shell. She started eating more, gaining some weight, all her fur was growing back, and she enjoyed being around everyone and was way more affectionate. It's a shame and I'm really sad about it.. it's going to be weird not seeing her around when I get home. I'm always going to have fond memories of her though..

R.I.P. Sydney <3

yay!

I'm leaving for my interview at Cafe Luna any moment now! Wish me good luck! I'm going to need it haha. Ahhh I'm so nervousss!

a new day

Today I'm going to make a list of all these problems that I have with myself or with my past, I'm going to write why they bother me and how they've affected my life negatively, I'm going to re-read it all to myself once, and then I'm going to throw it all away. And once that piece of paper is in the trash, I'm making a personal goal to myself that I'm going to never let those things bother me again. Consciously, or subconsciously.

I'm also going to make a list of the things I want to either have done or in the works by the end of February. If I'm not happy with myself and my life right now, I need to take responsibility and change what needs to be changed. And I need to stick to this plan I'm setting for myself.

trying to give up on regret

I really need to vent right now.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but it's really hard when I'm feeling so alone. I know I have people in my life, but I feel like most of my friendships have suffered due to my own insecurities at one point in time, or maybe just the fact that I've moved on. I just don't feel close to anyone right now. I've been reminded a few times lately that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. But I want to know what happens when you can't rely on yourself either?

Ever since I can remember I've run from all my problems, never standing tall and looking them in the face. And now at the age of 23 that's all I know. I've been running since age 8, hiding between all the drugs and moving around every six months. And it seems as though I've hit a wall; I don't have the money or resources to run right now. I'm basically being forced to address all these problems that have been chasing me for years all at once, and it's a bit overwhelming. I've dug myself a very deep grave and I don't even know where to start fixing the situation. And how do you even have the motivation to change things when your friends think you're a failure, the person you love doesn't see the person they fell in love with when they look at you and it's because of you the relationship failed, and you're constantly struggling to find substance in your life? I just want someone to believe in me, someone to not give up on me. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.. I feel so weak and incapable of doing anything for myself or anyone else right now. I'm not where I want to be, I hate who I've become. I would give anything to be who I was a year ago.

I need to not be flat on my face anymore, but back up on my feet.

I've been writing this for over two hours now. I had so much more I wanted to say, but I can't get it out. I can't even vent or get my thoughts straight. I need more time to think.



Please don't give up on me...

the grieving process

I feel like I'm going to throw up.. This is the worst. That all too familiar feeling of heat and sickness that comes over your body, the prickles under your skin that start from your stomach and work their way up to your head, the salty tears that well up in your eyes no matter how hard you fight it. It hits you whenever it wants; it could be an old song or picture, or even just a simple word. Anything and everything. Fuck, I hate this. I want to fast forward time.

I need to try and sleep this off. This is not how I want to start my day.

i'm going pro

Today was an awesome day! I spent all of the morning and afternoon with Steve, mostly playing basketball. That hoop was such a good idea. Then as soon as Scott and Duvy got here we started playing two-on-two games. So much fun! It's kind of bittersweet though, we made it a great day because it was Steve's last. I'm really going to miss his company. I know he's not going away anywhere, we're just not going to be job hunters anymore. Or brunch dates. Or "Lost" buddies. Or basketball champs. Every morning, I wake up, and there's Steve. It's going to be sad not having someone to hang around with and just kick it all day. It was really comforting having him here.

Anyways, then after dinner Steve, Duvy, and myself left for a bike ride adventure! We rode everywhere- Somerville, Cambridge, Brighton, Allston, Back Bay (Prudential Mall, Newbury St., Marlborough St., The Commons, Comm Ave.), Fenway. We were gone for over three hours. And I still can't feel my toes! Riding was horrifically cold but it felt soo good to have blood pumping through my veins and wind blowing in my face; surrounded by a real sense of adventure. My life had a little more meaning today.

We also made that stop that I had been dreadding. It's comforting to know the worst is over. This is the end of a chapter in my life, and to be quite honest.. I'm looking forward to starting a new one. This is a fresh start, a new begining- I'm going to make the best of it.

More snow tonight.. I'm actually kind of siked on it. I'm going to stay snowed in and bake cookies, watch movies, and drink tea all day tomorrow. I'll probably stay curled up on the couch with my fleeece blanket and Gatsby. I'm glad I got my riding in today though, I probably won't be able to again for a while if we actually get as much snow as they say we're going to. That, along with how miserable it makes commuting anywhere, is why I hate the snow and a major reason why the next place I reside will not get any colder than 60! ..I still can't feel my toes.

good/bad news

Good news: I heard back from Cafe Luna in Central Sq. about the morning barista job! I'm going in Friday to speak with them. Fingers crossed! I reaaally want this job. Oh, and it's Eric's birthday today! I'm going to see him later and I can't wait because it's been far too long.

Bad news: Steve is moving out today.. I finally get used to having someone around all the time, and now it's back to long days by myself, eating breakfast and lunch with Gatsby. Now I definitely need a job, because I'm going to lose my head sitting here by myself all the time. Also, I have to take a trip later that I'm not looking forward to. But I need to just get it over with to move on with my life.

REMINDER:
Ryan: well hey, you tried
Me: yup, and it wasn't good enough
Ryan: no no no you nerd
Ryan: you tried
Ryan: THAT'S good enough


I think Duvy's coming over and the three of us (including Steve) are going to go on an adventure. The sun is shining, it's Steve's last day, I actually feel okay right now.. we're going to make something of today!

it ain't me, babe.

I feel like I'm never able to sleep anymore. I wish there was more to do this late. Not that it matters I guess, I'm awake but I'm so drained and brain dead to the world. I don't think I could hold a conversation right now. Actually, I don't feel much like talking at all today for that matter. But this sleep thing, it's got to go. I'm tired of laying in my bed staring at the ceiling.

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more." -Woody Allen

This is the newest addition to our kitchen! Tonight, Steve, Scott and I had a basketball tournament. We played two one minute long sessions of free throw shots and whoever had the most points at the end won. Erin timed them, Rachel kept score. And guess who won? Meeee. It was good to feel active and energetic again! I love this living situation. Everyone here inspires me in different ways, whether it's intentional or not. I know I've learned not only a lot about myself, but also who I'm not. It's good to keep that in mind.

It scares me that this situation might change in the next week or two. I have no idea what's going to happen between now and then.

Making art went really well. Rachel used some water color colored pencils that were really cool, and she drew this really awesome guitar. I've been working on an idea for a couple of weeks- I want to take three 19" x 24" bristol boards and draw/paint them all with different feels, but with complimenting structures to them and then hang'em on the little bit of wall space I have and using them sort of as wallpaper. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for all three, but I was inspired by something I saw and started the outline of the first one three weeks ago. Today I did some of the outline of what I have drawn with pen&ink, and then used my ink set and my sumi brushes to fill in some color. I think I want this to be a mixed media piece. Anyways, this is how far I got. It's nothing special yet, but I thought it would be exciting to document my progress, especially since this is the first thing I've had motivation to do in a long while.

We'll see how it goes!

I gave three haircuts tonight haha. It started off with Erin's bangs, then turned into Rachel's bangs, which thennn turned into Andrew's hair.. I really wish I could do this for a living. I wish it was possible to go back to school for me because the only thing standing in my way right now is money. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much smarter it would be to establish myself somewhere I know I'm going to be for a while, then persue barbering school. I really want to learn the basics and then expanding more towards hair dressing by taking my creativity and running with it. I also want to learn how to give ill fades!

The other day, during an interview, I was asked what my dream job is. I stuttered a bit coming up empty with an answer. But I think I know now.

I'm pretty sure that one of the only things that makes me smile anymore is Gatsby. He truly is my best friend. The only one who will never leave me, yell at me, make me cry, or stop needing me. It's comforting to know that where ever I go, he'll go. I could be anywhere in five years from now, but I know I'll have something constant in my life. Heeee's my babyboy.

Tonight is sort of a sad night. It's been a good one; a lot of good people and fun things. But there was a lot of me missing tonight, detached from reality. I need to really remind myself to be strong. Don't let it get the best of me. Tomorrow's a new day and the future looks bright. It's not the end of the world. (and repeat)

I just noticed it's 3:23am and that the the time and date of this post are incorrect.. I'm not sure why. I should definitely be asleep. WTF?!

today it was the closet..

I'm sitting in my room(a.k.a. pantry) on the floor looking for jobs on craigslist with Steve, who's doing the same thing in the kitchen at the table. Both of us are infront of our laptops facing eachother's direction. We're trying to figure out how much money you would make if you taught english over in China, using some conversion chart. I find this all very humorous for some reason. I wish I could take a picture of this moment in time. On a serious note- that job seems pretty interesting. It's a 10 month contract where you get a free furnished apartment, including utilities, and you get paid to teach kids english all day. There's a whole training program you go through before you get there, and you're reimbursed for the travel expenses out there. I'm actually considering this. Anyone want to do it with me?


I'm going to make a reccomendation to everyone right now- see Step Brothers! It's so funny. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are a great duo who kept me entertained the entire film. It's a bit obsurd, then again what film isn't that Will Ferrell is in? If you have that kind of humor, this film won't let you down. I've seen it two times already I like it so much. I might watch it again today, I'm in the mood for a good laugh. Or maybe Anchorman. That movie goes down in my books as one of the best films I've ever seen. I have a feeling that Step Brothers is going to end up in that category, too. I'm going to be that really annoying person who quotes Will Ferrell movies more often that not. Maybe I already am. Please don't hate me.

Rachel should be here soon- we're going to hang out and get some creative juices flowing. It's really refreshing to have artistic people in my life again! I feel much more inspired and motivated. Then I think Erin is meeting us when she's out of work to join in. Girls night! For now, I'm going to go get ready, eat this delicious vegan chili I made, and then play some basketball with Steve in the kitchen with our home-made net. Righteousss.

oi

Steve Mendonca rules at life!
It's so good having him around.


shmaagged in the bathroom.
"Jen touched rogued sticky!"
12:44 am

okay, i think i'm ready now.

I don't even know where to start, really. The last two months of my life have been a never ending rollercoaster, and in retrospect, most of my life has been that way. I think I've gotten used to it- the ups and downs don't make me as sick anymore. They just make me a little crazier. But that's normal, right?

ACCEPTANCE.

Instead of dwelling on the issues I'm facing right now, I'm going to focus on where I'm going to go from here. I'm excited to spend time on myself and not have to worry about anyone else but me. Probably sounds a bit selfish, but I think that's appropriate. I need to set some big goals and do nothing but work towards them to get my life back where it's supposed to be. I've already started making a list. First things first- get a job. I want to work real hard and save up some money. And I want to find a new home. I have a few ideas, and they're all far, far away. I need to get back to the original plan I had a year ago, but take it and reintroduce it to my life now and adjust it accordingly. It's going to take a lot of determination, but that's fine because I don't have anything else to focus my energy on now. And I think that was all part of the plan. No matter how much I hate it.


It feels really good to be thinking about myself again.

so this is how this works...

I think the truth is I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. Not anymore, anyways. My life has been turned upside down and I'm left with a lot of questions, which has all made me doubt myself. And when there's room for doubt... ahh I'm just going to leave it at that.

I don't even know if I'm ready to write how I feel right now.