tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53629534440024485212024-03-05T01:43:53.524-05:00you remind me of home.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-56867365329877829882009-12-24T00:45:00.005-05:002009-12-24T00:58:15.453-05:001,000 wordsToo much to say, far too little time. So here's some pictures to show you whats been going on with my life.<div><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZJfQjLJpAbI5XfBh-3Xrcox4sdFnvAO0YL7y-qFr-j2i8cj8EB08q3wW4VwlqjhN3bjZDzbpRh93W8-yso0O7XyZ_HTQpwX6V_yRyzy4ydrJE8Gl4S7geyWAselWNa2WQah_TIk43agI/s400/benny&mama.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418676192158895506" /></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-AyYe3B58ULw9TSpZh2ounndw5kjrdEzx0hnjq2A1-hnVGwSsW8YRcn9-2mllBA6dsk-kGVOVFwoiQzcCFLoDh1Dix97Ppom4UfpFj2uas26xW9oQ5TnWqpB8rMKli6VsLiuvi-OKFE/s1600-h/LeilaKhaled4.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><br /><br /></a></div><div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioOfJ2Q4fqWy-CiclMQneXSTzevF-B4LfatmoWjUCHHQDdLFK6T3Yt23dFF-nhTh4rSr9VGpZ980LV-kLylt4HxeU2RVgDSpd72hjEbth09_ZFd155piXnqtZ2mpQE43ik67N9-udkiBE/s400/Photo+on+2009-12-17+at+19.41+%233.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418675532028526626" /><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6CNoJypegZ-YvlOTFknpSfIbPEx6d6UijVGZFPTDzRuP20J30QVO55am6ud2yPHwLVyGgEnon7tnflZ_JIFmb0f9JsynpSmccuOxK4hRoqKR6zpsZzcoxfcoerkXqeL8mRz9FGu78mOU/s400/Photo+on+2009-12-21+at+00.05+%232.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418676192174380338" /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-AyYe3B58ULw9TSpZh2ounndw5kjrdEzx0hnjq2A1-hnVGwSsW8YRcn9-2mllBA6dsk-kGVOVFwoiQzcCFLoDh1Dix97Ppom4UfpFj2uas26xW9oQ5TnWqpB8rMKli6VsLiuvi-OKFE/s1600-h/LeilaKhaled4.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"></a></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvB82gWJFHJzBn8v64AgwysS5Mm2uy2CCOAee40p_nqhjquXxSRVne7UElBl3e7mnhHGuku3gQQzrmftPvdnjJ3x-YjDnIS4QyTyPWAeX3EzHUQ_KIHRW1HnA84gctftXA6K43Nb95Xio/s400/Photo+on+2009-12-17+at+19.40.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418675539319818258" /><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYh3Rip_AcE9YgM9O9tY8BJg7ZtCVLuD61h10_tCSucEgD4mFM2jv681YmhTQtr_-SIeEjyc9YFqU50LCYgFcIDs2uW2S7pNhsfn3EuhehDaiXmIvTa7fD4WEuHYnVO2XxFCXi7xwyp80/s400/Photo+on+2009-12-22+at+15.15+%232.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418675541258854082" /></div><div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxHfCVdOv0hm4DlM26n5Z-7sZ6z0SjHaHBKO1ASdfUR9Br8DMqy0-v5-neSSLpF0mtQ3XSVd-dxtrrl4lZvWDIh2AAnieO37e_1QO0hlYzEhd-QCYty26w1f7G6Zd-iCy1vcYiHWT2AUs/s400/12931_364064095152_695635152_10314503_8208647_n.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418676188349229778" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLP7cnTJ2ZZMMESSIt6HxSBpGz0C9JQ8ruSa-KXPxTmdXwvFLItU-F7H9rOHEDEXyQjka7N-XfShuy_5PXHQKWM74YcDDY4t3F3o8VvEoSscBlmfKd2pSzQu-d0OHT1vyGorhOChL_vVw/s400/Photo+on+2009-12-22+at+18.50.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418675552846777954" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="text-align: left;display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 240px; " src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-AyYe3B58ULw9TSpZh2ounndw5kjrdEzx0hnjq2A1-hnVGwSsW8YRcn9-2mllBA6dsk-kGVOVFwoiQzcCFLoDh1Dix97Ppom4UfpFj2uas26xW9oQ5TnWqpB8rMKli6VsLiuvi-OKFE/s400/LeilaKhaled4.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418676195551277602" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWYb7C4QGftImbVtK5OfyuqoTx2wBJIe4iIVP0wLmxn8UM4mB8CeDn1hw5F1rt0-8SJ-zr2qfHypuFKW1ku4OKBSm-NyxUMP5PxlJA1_3SOlwrGQ5hmCVamdSPO_xFMqsc_I67ZuJwzko/s400/Photo+on+2009-12-21+at+00.03.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5418675540047575042" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Also- I'm thinking of getting a tumblr instead. Does Anyone use that too?</div><div><br /></div></div>jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-30238939951537896142009-12-02T23:29:00.007-05:002009-12-03T01:23:10.798-05:006 months vacationI have not used this blog in.. god, a very long time. Now that I have a brand new MacBook Pro I think I'd like to make more use out of this. Maybe I'll even write Bernardo's blog about Boston transportation haha. We'll see.. <div><br /></div><div>Life's very different now. I'm the manager in training(MIT) at LUSH and I still love my job. I get paid really well to do something I love- I couldn't be any luckier. And it feels good to be busy a lot of the time. It keeps my energy up and I feel a lot more accomplished. I have a beautiful apartment by Stonybrook in Jamaica Plain. Newly renovated, Sheri and I are the first people to live in it for the last 7 years- brand new appliances, brand new floors, granite counters, breakfast bar, dim-able lights throughout the whole place, even a towel warmer in the bathroom! I wish everyone could come see it.. I have a space to concentrate on my art, which has been slowly becoming more of a part of my life again. I've been reading a lot more which is helping me keep inspired and educated. But then, some things are the same. I'm still in love, after almost two very long years. Things have been tough, but through the thick and thin of it I know we're learning a lot and it's only making us stronger. Remembering: everything happens for a reason, and this space and time is only a test. And assuring myself that if it never works out, </div><div>then it's for the best. I'm just really focused on MY life right now, and letting whatever happens around me just happen. I have more important things to worry myself over..</div><div><br /></div><div>I found out a month ago that my father has cancer. This has been very hard on me, my dad is my best friend and probably the biggest influence on me and has made me the person I am now. They haven't quite found the source of the cancer- they've changed their thoughts a couple of times now, but they've located a mass in his bladder which he's scheduled to have it removed, but the biggest concern right now is whether or not it's spread to his bones. In which case, there's nothing they can do for him. Anyone who knows me well, knows my father has been sick for a very long time now. This is not the first time the thought of him dying has passed through my head. Although this time, it's different. It's much more real. But I'm trying to just stay positive about it, and send lots of positivity his way. That's all we can really do about it until we know more.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've been trying to apply that as a new rule to my life in general- 100% positivity, 100% of the time. It just feels better to feel good. And I have a lot of things in my life to feel good about. I just need to remember that when times get really tough.</div><div><br /></div><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9laOxcsMGrkHacG86UD7RL6t4umKdMKgvAp-CSS0IY0Lj5t16x4Jtc7IvzSOomXbMBFwyvMRqtuIHWN8pv3HI0BJ44CRgt4UNsN366L1DglOsxyoftv4ssGIuhCe6fFHMxcTbKehvntY/s320/Photo+19.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5410880823427250194" /><div>Anyways, back to my soynog and folding clothes haha!</div>jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-31079257563601583732009-04-13T15:43:00.000-04:002009-04-13T15:44:05.238-04:00hahEverything happens for a reason..<br /><br />Exactly.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-78297048665896481572009-04-13T00:12:00.002-04:002009-04-13T00:16:24.972-04:00heck yesssAwesome night at work! Awesome, awesome, awesome. To sum it up for you.. my manager is going to submit my resume to the regional manager for the manager in training position!! SO SIKED! This is what I've wanted, and apparently after just two months I'm ready. I know if I put my mind to anything, I can make it happen. I've been in such a good mood ever since. The whole conversation made me feel really confident, I'm so happy she thinks so highly of me. It means a lot, and the fact that I get so into my job and giddy about how good I do isn't so corny after all.. it's part of the reason I'm getting recommended for the position!<br /><br />LOVE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!<br />EVERYTHING IS GOING SOO GOOD!!!jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-88485662571554445202009-04-05T11:50:00.002-04:002009-04-05T12:00:23.524-04:00two things1. Whoever came up with time zones is a genius. I woke up and for some reason started thinking like- why isn't there just one time for the whole earth, they make it so complicated for traveling and trying to figure out what time it is where. And then I realized that was a stupid thought, and that it makes so much sense, and how hard it must have been to sit down and figure out how to spread out something like TIME for the whole world.. like, how do you decide things like that? I don't know, weird thought, I probably sound stupid, whatever.<br /><br />2. Through random discussion last night, I found out that Justin and I were at the very same show for both of our first concert.. with our parents! haha Powerman 5000 and Kid Rock at the Tsongas Arena! bahaha It's such a small world, it kills me. I'm still laughing over this discovery.<br /><br /><br />D2E Festival in a little bit... I'm so nervous now!<br />Hope I do well and make mama proud!jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-62085466518347771482009-04-05T02:07:00.002-04:002009-04-05T02:19:34.571-04:00mission accomplished!<span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Finally met Bernardo! </span></span><br /><br />That's been a life long goal I've been trying to achieve, and finally did! haha I really wish we had gotten a picture to document it happening.. several years in the making. What a cool dude!jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-64177892349148713062009-04-04T04:15:00.002-04:002009-04-04T04:19:58.057-04:00uhhWhy do I do this to myself? I let down my guard so easily, allowing myself to be set up for disappointment. I just want to feel secure again.. and to not have to see things I don't want to see. To not even have to worry those things are even going to be there. I'm starting to question everything.<br /><br />Should I dig deeper for the truth?<br />Or should I just accept the unknown and move on?<br /><br /><br />Ughhh my tummy doesn't feel well..jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-30467217671897635832009-04-04T02:17:00.002-04:002009-04-04T02:44:47.444-04:00decisions, decisions.Everything is always so up and down. Always. I really need to start exploring my options and making some serious decisions about the important things that are going to affect my future; jobs, living situation, friends. Actually, friends is just about under control. I'm happy with the decisions I've made in that department- I know that I'm where I belong now and that it was not a good environment for me where I came from. Anyways, serious decision making.. yeah.<br /><br />I can't wait for my next day off. I'm going to do so many things!jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-55715770551964704312009-04-03T01:28:00.002-04:002009-04-03T01:39:34.917-04:00kickin' itAnother really awesome night at work! Sold a bunch of stuff, a customer complimented me to my manager, and my manager complimented me at the staff meeting for the rockin' day we had, staff meeting was awesome, and I'm still looking forward to the D2E Fesitval! Feels so good to be doing something with myself and contributing again!<br /><br />I think that no matter where in life I'll ever be, I'll always be yours.<br /><br />Is that weird?<br /><br />I have a very different perspective on things right now. I'm just relaxin' and enjoying things. Taking one step at a time and trying to stay positive. Everything works out in the end, and I trust myself to make whatever decisions are best for me. Blah blah blah, I'm going to go snuggle Gatsby and pass out! I'm runnin' on empty!<br /><br />Stuntin' like my daddy.<br /><br />Uh, what??<br /><br />Omg, I'm soo tired...jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-52051581875402061252009-04-02T11:35:00.004-04:002009-04-02T12:37:22.759-04:00rant 2Totally unrelated to the last entry.. I also think it's funny when people try and tell someone something strictly for selfish reasons, and try and play it off like they're just telling that someone for their benefit and because they think they're a good person (even though they've only met them once), not realizing they're hurting this person and using their feelings as a pawn in some selfish driven, childish game.<br /><br />LAME.<br /><br />Maybe you should pay as much attention to yourself as you do other people and their business. What kind of life are you living if you thrive off drama and going out of your way to make people miserable? Going back to 8th grade with this one.. but get a fucking life! Find something else to occupy your time with, get a hobby or some sea monkey's to watch or something. Maybe try and dig deeper into yourself and attack your inner demons and try to learn why you're such a fucking miserable person inside. Oh, but that's too hard.. you'd rather just bring everyone else down to your level and pick other people apart. You're a vulture. An opportunist. Ugh, and I fucking know you're going to read this too! You think I'm such a bad person, go out of your way to tell important people to me how you reeeeally feel, yet you still find the time to check up on me and keep your tabs. You're fucking pathetic. And everyone else knows it too, I don't even need to go behind your back and tell them.<br /><br />Funny how that works.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-30887539186621214252009-04-02T02:44:00.001-04:002009-04-02T02:45:57.724-04:00rant<span style="font-size:180%;"><span id="ctl00_ctl00_cpMain_cpMain_BulletinRead_ltl_body">i fucking hate when people stick their noses where they don't belong and don't even get all their facts straight before they open their fucking mouths. you fucked up an amazing thing for me and made me look like something i'm not, and no one fucking believes a word i said and that's so fucked up because who the fuck are you to be trusted?! i am not a bad person, i did nothing wrong, and i end up fucking lost and empty. for nothing. over fucking nothing. thanks fucking assholes with big fucking mouths and no sense of fucking respect.<br /><br /><br />i've been holding this in for a week now and for some reason i just fucking snapped. i'll get over things and get on with my life and continue living, but i don't trust fucking anyone anymore and i'm mourning over the loss of something that was so fucking important to me when i really should be enjoying that to the fullest and loving life.<br /><br /><br /><br />FML.<br /><br />FUCK EVERYONE.</span></span>jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-41242312479743705482009-03-31T23:25:00.003-04:002009-04-01T00:05:24.455-04:00workToday was a big day for me at work. I haven't felt much like myself lately, and for some reason (maybe it was the weather) I decided to get all dressed up, curled my hair, did my make up and I told myself I was going to have an awesome day. And you know what? I did! It was just me and my manager, Rachel, the whole shift, and of course it was really slow just like most Tuesdays. But between the two of us we rocked the house, all our numbers were up, and we made the most of what we had to work with. Not only did I feel more comfortable and confident, I got my first compliment from Rachel. Little, I know, but it meant the world to me. I've been realizing I'm not putting in enough effort or focusing enough on my job so I've been trying harder and I guess it shows.<br /><br />I've also noticed I've been very reserved around people from work.. which is very unlike me. I should be taking this opportunity to make new friends and get to know everyone there, while letting them get to know me. Today was different though; I was joking around, chattin' it up, dancing around, and I guess just being myself. A much nicer change of pace / a much needed change of pace.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://greencottonblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/d2e_logo-with-dates.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 140px; height: 180px;" src="http://greencottonblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/d2e_logo-with-dates.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>This Sunday is the Down To Earth Festival at the Hynes Convention Center. I'm really looking forward to this, not to mention getting to see and work with Bonnie there! I'm learning a lot more in depth about Lush as far as the morals of the company, how they source their ingredients, and our effect on the environment, this way I can share all this info with anyone who asks. And it'll be interesting to discover other green companies in or around the Boston area. So siked I was asked to work this! I'm the only new hire from my store that was asked to go.. again, little, I know. But it's a big deal to me!<br /><br />(to learn more about the D2E Festival, read thissss: http://greencottonblog.com/2009/03/down-2-earth-boston-april/)jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-63929263897282012452009-03-31T14:23:00.003-04:002009-03-31T14:36:13.193-04:00every nightI wake up every night several times, with images flashing in my head and I hear words you said over and over again. Things I don't want to hear or see but no matter how hard I try to push them out they come. Every night. I hardly sleep a full night now, and when the morning comes I stay in bed trying to catch up from the night. Maybe I'm just afraid to face the day. Sleeping until 2pm has become my way of coping. Some may think I'm just being lazy and depressed, but I think I deserve to deal with things however I feel is necessary, and I'd rather be sleeping than doing something more self destructive. And for what it's worth, I give myself the time I need to sleep off whatever sad feelings I have and then the rest of my day is filled with catching up with the things I need to do and it's almost like I don't even have the time to be sad then. I've slept half my day away, so I need to just focus and get things done. Whatever, it's working. I haven't shed one tear since last week and I intend on keeping up this streak.<br /><br />At one point when I woke up in the middle of the night, it wasn't even sad or upsetting thoughts that popped into my head.. I got this wave of relief and excitement, thinking about how I know the next person I commit to will really be worth it and will be someone I'm going to be with for a very very long time. Someone who will make me feel just as good, if not better than the last. I'm excited to meet this future person and I suppose that's something to look forward to. <br /><br />But I'm certainly in no rush, that's for sure.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-4225671676819699232009-03-30T14:35:00.002-04:002009-03-30T14:39:23.117-04:00spring, plz?I can't wait for warm weather 24/7. Life will be so different then.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI5YVbBLmgKJ0Mw0-hrTTbz4y-nKVYp-O9I-9Wij0sX7jrI0ejP2viodPJ6A-gpNNhEIeejfdOJC5r_n0Uxi6amoSljCHfk7KklcTn1IUgwlg3TDtkbhP8xnvTA2GwvqL0fXuRWzBen7k/s1600-h/100_2283.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI5YVbBLmgKJ0Mw0-hrTTbz4y-nKVYp-O9I-9Wij0sX7jrI0ejP2viodPJ6A-gpNNhEIeejfdOJC5r_n0Uxi6amoSljCHfk7KklcTn1IUgwlg3TDtkbhP8xnvTA2GwvqL0fXuRWzBen7k/s320/100_2283.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319051547793952786" /></a><br /><br />I took that a year and a half ago. Fall. I would probably do anything to go back to this time and start the last year over again.<br /><br /><br />I need the sun to brighten my day. <br />I'm having trouble doing it on my own.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-26471378978999678042009-03-29T14:40:00.004-04:002009-03-29T15:18:24.544-04:00it's been a whileSo much is different, life. It's funny really. I hope from here on out I'm off the rollercoaster. What happens from here on out is in my control, if I don't want to be on the ride I don't have to be. I need to start making some decisions and sticking to them. <br /><br />You were right. Being different is much harder but far more important than going with the flow of what everybody else does.<br /><br />I've made some promises to myself that I intend on keeping. I'm going to stay true to myself, and give myself the respect I deserve. I deserve to be loved, and I'm not going to give myself to anyone until I'm sure it's worth it and it's a mutual appreciation. I'm going to find myself a home to call my own. I'm not going to deal with people who aren't worth my time.<br /><br />Now that I've got myself where I want to be, I need to start applying the things I've learned and making the best of myself. No matter what anyone thinks, I know I'm a strong person and I know who I am and that I'm not everyone else. I need to let that shine through.<br /><br />I was told the other day that I'm a good person and that I've been given the opportunity to get myself back on my feet and that I need to take it. I appreciate the honesty and positivity that surrounds me now, and I'm going to make the best of that.<br /><br />Blah blah blah..jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-78426506371562925422009-03-06T10:42:00.001-05:002009-03-06T10:46:48.073-05:00terribleWay to start off my day. I hope it gets better from here on out...<br /><br /><br />It will get better.<br />I'm going to make it better.<br />No matter what choices you make.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-57472089282080052642009-03-04T20:11:00.005-05:002009-03-04T20:58:55.254-05:00on controlI took a long walk today, it felt good having the air in my face, no matter how cold it was. I just walked and walked and walked, me and myself. Cleared my head a little. It took a little bit to get to where I am mentally right now- I went back and forth so much in my head. I almost felt crazy because of how unsettled my thoughts were. I felt like I was having a debate with myself, trying to make points for both sides of my thoughts. I realized I need to stop worrying about what's next. I'm trying to just feel things out, let them happen, while keeping in mind all the things I've learned and want to apply to my life (which is an entirely new way of thinking for me, something I've worked on a lot). I can't control what he does or how things are going to affect him, if he's not able to just let go and not worry. And it doesn't mean I'm not good enough or not doing enough if he's not happy right now and can't see past what's happened. All I can worry about is me, and be confident that I am doing all I can. I'm not going to try and I'm not going to leave. I'm just going to be. And take care of myself. And if he wills it to happen, awesome. I can't make him want to do that right now, he has to want it on his own. It's unhealthy and detrimental to myself for me to continue trying so hard to make him see things when he doesn't want to see them right now, only to feel let down. I need to save my energy and try harder when the timing is right. I just need to accept the way things are right now.<br /><br />"Ambiguity can be a wonderful thing."<br /><br />Emotions are fragile, and oh so fickle. I wish there was a way to have more control over them. As I'm learning, the only way to control such a thing is to try your best to understand it. There's less fear that comes with understanding, which in turn empowers you. My goal is to really understand why I do the things I do so I can learn to stop unwanted reactions before they even occur. I don't want to be a slave to irrationality anymore. I want things to start making some sense! I want the anxiety and panic to disappear, and I want to enjoy my life to the fullest as much as I can. I'm taking all these new beginnings and I'm running with them. <br /><br />Like the wind.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-37005950994071174452009-03-03T17:07:00.002-05:002009-03-03T17:16:16.667-05:00first day!Work went so well! All we did was go over paperwork, and the employee manual, but it was so much fun! My days this week got all mixed around, and unfortunately she said it's going to be like this for a little while, but I get to go back in on Friday for a longer shift where my actual training will begin. I can't wait! But I realized today that I'm definitely going to need a second job, and I'm going to need it a.s.a.p.! So if anyone knows of anything, let me knooow please. <br /><br />It feels good to be a contributing member of society again.<br /><br />I'm kind of bummed, my plans with Laura got canceled tonight. I was really looking forward to catching up with her. And to being occupied. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my night now, but I need to do something. I'm trying to keep my mind off things, and it seems to be helping the situation over all. But it's still really scary being in the dark.<br /><br />I just miss feeling completely happy. I want that right now, so bad. <br /><br /><p class="mobile-photo"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBQOf5ye89jID594lsOcvLmvUL-hCjei_F-1BYruPVNdZpatTRMvlZr62cHab1BKhUuFU3Arh066b1UbqeTN9J8yy2Gwh0vkBTo-1-t3nqEAK0FA4jGfQrg5OUg_bVpKKvIpThWmvumf4/s1600-h/1236117921069-734851.jpeg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBQOf5ye89jID594lsOcvLmvUL-hCjei_F-1BYruPVNdZpatTRMvlZr62cHab1BKhUuFU3Arh066b1UbqeTN9J8yy2Gwh0vkBTo-1-t3nqEAK0FA4jGfQrg5OUg_bVpKKvIpThWmvumf4/s320/1236117921069-734851.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309086530957952098" /></a></p>jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-50042361657145319722009-03-02T13:06:00.002-05:002009-03-02T13:09:36.009-05:00FMLSo LUSH just called, they're closing early because of the snow so I'm not going in today. And Teena's roommate just jumped in the shower.<br /><br />Just my effing luck. Ughhhhh.<br />What do I do now??jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-64071098366847842042009-03-02T12:29:00.003-05:002009-03-02T13:02:04.303-05:00the beginingOf all my new beginings.<br /><br />Today should be a really great day- my first day officially as an employee of LUSH, I get to go in and fill out paper work and meet new people and get paaaid and work for the first time in over two months!! Sounds exciting, right? And even better, I'm going to see Pete right after work to get tattooed for free- I finally get to have the polar bear I drew out almost a year ago inked on me for my daddy.<br /><br />It's just too bad I have this impending doom cloud hanging over my head, following me around wherever I go. Sort of putting a damper on my should-be awesome day. The feeling that any minute I could get the call to end any bit of happiness or excitement I feel right now. It's my fault, I'm letting it follow me around. I'm letting myself worry that this is going to happen. I feel panicky, shakey. I'm focusing on the wrong things.<br /><br />After talking about everything with others and internally with myself, I had a lot of self-actualizations last night. <br />-I fear not having control over a situation that affects me, which in turn really gets my anxiety going. I sit here with a knot in my throat and a pain in my tummy and think and think and think, when that only hurts the situation.<br />-I have a fear of abandonment, so I'm constantly pushing and pushing to see how far I can push before it gets to the breaking point. Then I'll be abandoned, and I can say "I told you so" and have no one to blame but myself. I'm tired of being hurt by others so I'd subconsciously rather be hurt by myself.<br />-I'm constantly asking for validation not only because of my past and that I was never truly appreciated, but also because I don't know how to validate my own feelings. You can't rely on someone else to constantly validate you without driving them insane or making them feel like they're always doing something wrong.<br /><br />Gosh, I just hope it's not too late to share these things and put them into effect. I mean, I guess I'm glad I learned them either way because they're important to realize about myself and to have an understanding of. I just don't want this to be a casualty of the learning process.<br /><br />I'm going to go take a nice warm shower, head out to starbucks and get a coffee while I look over my employee manual, and hopefully distract myself enough to feel better about my day.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-76041280511810132502009-03-01T18:22:00.001-05:002009-03-01T18:24:07.507-05:00it ain't me, babe.I don't know how we go from soo high up to soo low down. Is it really all me? Am I realy that fucked? Just when I thought everything was going perfect.. Sometimes I really fucking hate my brain and my heart.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-67859798932356910872009-03-01T16:53:00.003-05:002009-03-01T17:19:47.065-05:00wise owls<p class="mobile-photo"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIgSlKiS8Th_NLk6TTjaVpNJEUvdrDDeaJFnBXd-m847asNJRV8DLBFvlsnubYK2cDWXtWAOWmfonfKaYvdLuZW4ngl6rgktE338Limw19MAixkbreyiviZrJ7Tp3hu_cLqZ8mZIu9CzA/s1600-h/1235943339756-723737.jpeg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIgSlKiS8Th_NLk6TTjaVpNJEUvdrDDeaJFnBXd-m847asNJRV8DLBFvlsnubYK2cDWXtWAOWmfonfKaYvdLuZW4ngl6rgktE338Limw19MAixkbreyiviZrJ7Tp3hu_cLqZ8mZIu9CzA/s320/1235943339756-723737.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5308340877409236818" /></a></p>Teena just bought me these to "celebrate my new life, new job, and having a place to live"! She said I'm wise just like these little guys. They're so cute, I love owls! I'm giving her the blue one because she's great.<br /><br />I've been meeting a lot of new people. I hope this keeps up. I'm hoping to find more substance and more things to occupy my time with. I need to connect more. I need to be stimulated more. I need to learn and expand and grow more. Keeeep it comin'.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-75056175831769402152009-02-28T15:20:00.002-05:002009-02-28T15:26:22.516-05:00FO'REALZIEZI GOT THE EFFING JOB AT LUSH!!!!!!!!!!! This floor interview went so much better, it was much busier and I was able to give more demos. Not to mention I sold a couple $40 worth of stuff and they got some free stuff too and they kept saying how friendly I was and how they need to come in more often (deal makerrrr). I'm going in monday to fill out paperwork and wednesday I start my training! The best part is she told me I'll mainly be working tuesdays and thursdays so that leaves me room to have another job! She said that's totally cool I just need to keep her informed about it. Espresso Royale? Ahhhh. So sikeddd.<br /><br />HELLO NEW LIFE!jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-6047232885523035272009-02-27T19:14:00.006-05:002009-02-27T20:41:21.872-05:00more on trustThere's nothing that makes you feel worse than seeing the person you love with someone else. Regardless of when it was, even if you're with that person now and there was a reason for why things were the way they were then. It just takes a piece of you.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAvElpZehtLHq7uFWstHKD_B95LUgn4wjn1hD_Agr7XYdcwT29tyd45s5Io0PaL0Amao1hBN28KuwIfLpsLEnkFsLL6kCEDn8ZGZG2a4_voJ9qYoy7E-zX3zN_V4Dj_4tkb2P6mQSEfKQ/s1600-h/l_ea4716458d2b40ff9c0a87f415d3dd13.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAvElpZehtLHq7uFWstHKD_B95LUgn4wjn1hD_Agr7XYdcwT29tyd45s5Io0PaL0Amao1hBN28KuwIfLpsLEnkFsLL6kCEDn8ZGZG2a4_voJ9qYoy7E-zX3zN_V4Dj_4tkb2P6mQSEfKQ/s320/l_ea4716458d2b40ff9c0a87f415d3dd13.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5307648206066625730" /></a><br /><br />I have a hard time with trust to begin with. I think it's funny when people try to hide things (you know, not necessarily lie to you but not be honest with you at the same time, that sort of thing) because they think it's what they have to do to protect you. When really, it does quite the opposite. Unfortunately, we live in a time when the internet rules everything, and even if you yourself make a conscious effort to not put your entire life out there for everyone else to see, you can't always rely on others to do the same. And I want to know when it's someone else's decision what's best for you? When you ask for honesty, usually it's because you need that and want that. Maybe that's just speaking for myself. I would just rather have someone be honest, no matter how much they think it's going to hurt me, than try and protect me because in reality it's probably just them trying to protect themselves from feeling guilty. I'm sure someone in that position may not rationalize it that way, or find it hard to admit that it's more selfish than anything else. But I'm sorry, it doesn't make me feel any better to learn about things on my own because let's face it, it all comes out sooner or later.<br /><br />I know that what I saw wasn't necessarily wrong, in fact it definitely wasn't, and things are different now anyways. But that doesn't make it any less hurtful to see, and speaking as someone with trust issues, it doesn't make it any easier to trust. This is going to be something that will affect me for a while, and I wish it wasn't that way. I wish my trust issues had been taken more into consideration with the whole situation, but what's done is done. I'm trying my best to believe that everything that has come out since this came up is the truth, but it's hard when the whole thing was sort of covered up to begin with. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. I just hope that's enough to get past this. <br /><br />It is the past. <br />It's in the past.<br />I'd really like to move forward.<br /><br />Or have someone erase my memory.. that'd be nice.<br /><br />Today went from a great morning, to an okay afternoon, to a terrible night. Hopefully there's still time to change that around. Atleast the weather was nice..jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5362953444002448521.post-25474832432624007832009-02-26T16:12:00.003-05:002009-02-26T16:29:44.197-05:00360*Everything is great, great, great! I should be hearing back from LUSH by tomorrow and I'm fairly confident the job is mine. I found out last night I have a mutual friend with the manager and he's going to put in a good word. I hope that helps! Laura has informed me that Espresso Royale is hiring also! Hello, second job? I need all I can get at this point. And by next Sunday, the 8th, I will officially have a place to live! I'm moving in with Heather and Samantha and I couldn't be anymore ecstatic! Everything is falling into place. Oh, and it's been really nice rebuilding burned bridges with people from the past. There's no use for negativity anymore; the release of any tension regarding the past is definitely a step in the right direction. The past is the past for a reason.<br /><br />In just the last few days, so many things have come together. Things can only go up from here! I have a lot of things to look forward to and I'm working towards getting my life on track. It's pretty gratifying when you can see physical evidence of the hard work you've put in and I feel it's all reflected in my attitude towards life right now. No one can change the mood/feeling I have right now!<br /><br />The battle is far from over yet, though.<br /><br />Areas of continued focus: trust, communication, attitude.jenny.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16623909563381212267noreply@blogger.com0