on trust

I have a lot of trust issues, all thanks to very untrustworthy people from my past. I'm forever tainted because of the lies I've been fed, more specifically from ex-boyfriends. And it's hard because now no matter how sweet and nice and honest a guy can be, I always find room to doubt. I'm starting to recognize this as a huge flaw in myself.. I really need to try and trust certain people, and trust in myself as well. I can't take the anxiety that comes along with the worry of always being lied to. I don't deserve to feel that way and that's just letting all of them win anyways. I need to be strong and let it go.

My sleep schedule has been much more under control lately, and I attribute a lot of the positive feelings I've been having to this. Good rest = a good mind. I need to keep up with this schedule!

Goooodnight.

consideration

i'm pretty sure that when you make plans with someone, if you figure out you can't follow through with them, the only polite and considerate thing to do is to pick up the goddamn phone and let the other party know. no matter how important or unimportant the said plans were.


these were important plans.

on substance

despite the troubles i'm still facing with my internal battles, things outside of myself are starting to feel a little better. my best friend, nana, is back from china. i didn't realize how much her being gone really affected me until i saw her on friday. we just talked forever, made delicious food, sipped hot chocolate, and watched monk (one of our guilty pleasures haha). and today i was lucky enough to talk to emily on the phone! first time since she moved to new jersey in august! her and i are so alike, and it was really nice to know i'm not alone in the way i think and feel about things- i'm not crazy! this is really what i've needed this whole time, some strong, open-minded, and beautiful ladies in my lifeeee. it's funny to me, i've always felt i got along better with guys, that i could relate better to them. but as i get older i realize how much that's changed. no one understands me quite like these ladies do. i'm so thankful to have such an understanding in my life.

i have a very nervous/exciting feeling that in 6 months from now, my life will be completely different. for the best, of course. it's just weird to think about because i know that a lot of the things in my life now will not be following me to my new, better life. i have this almost calming acceptance about it though. like i know this is what i need to do, and i'm okay with that. i'm just going to make the best of these things, and appreciate them, both good and bad, when they're gone.


i'm starting to like this routine: sipping coffee/tea and expelling thoughts from my head. i feel like writing things out helps me organize the mess of a head i have. i almost feel like it's also helping me open my mind a bit, which i'm sure is a result of my thoughts being clearer. but whatever. documenting my train of thought has been helpful in understanding and recognizing the changes i'm making. i'm already noticing the differences in my writing and the tone of my thoughts. overall, i'm feeling more positive. yaayy.

i might go try and take another bath. hopefully this one is far more successful than yesterdays!

just my luck

So I'm trying to take that bath I mentioned before... but there's no hot water!!! I got in and realized it was only mildly warm. Kept running the hot water, nothing. The kitchen sink, nothing. So since I'm still dripping wet and need to ATLEAST wash my hair.. I've resorted to this:

FML..

home alone

It's going to be really nice to have money to go out and do things again. I've been feeling like I'm turning into a hermit, but really I just dread going out because I can't afford to do anything. I don't even have money to take a bus or the t anywhere.. I am the type of person who enjoys a good cozy day in just watching movies, baking, or doing arts and crafts. But I've just been feeling really alone.. I spend most of my days doing those things by myself. Well, with Gatsby haha. Maybe I just need to make new/more friends.

How do you make new friends, exactly? I'm not in school, I don't have money to go out and even if I did I'm not sure I'd meet anyone worth meeting at bars or parties here. It's so hard to find substance in Boston. I just can't wait until the warmer weather so I can ride my bike, play frisbee or badmitten, lay by the river and read my book, or any of the other free fun things there is to do, even when you're by yourself.

I need good pictures of dream catchers, and Google images are just not cutting it for me! Anyone know of better ways to browse/find pictures?

I'm not really feeling well.. I think I'm going to go take a bubble bath and read some more of my book. Then I need to get motivated and do some things for myself.

traveling

I really enjoy the train ride to Gloucester. It's so pretty- almost the whole 50 minute trip the ocean is to the right and when it's not, you get to se all the little shops of Swampscott, or Beverley Farms, or the beautiful homes with ponds in Manchester By The Sea. This trip always makes me nostalgic, I have a lot of good memories from trips before.

570

I just got a call from the 570 Market down on Tremont St.! I had a really awesome interview with the owner a couple weeks ago, he's a really fun guy. He needed someone who would be at the store by 5:15am, but the first orange line train doesn't leave until 5:16. So I don't know, I left him a message back. Maybe he has a slightly later position to offer me? Maybe I have a job?

Fingers crossed!!

EDIT: I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB!!!!

it was Russo!!

Unsuccessful trip to the MFA. Rachel and I drove, neither of us knew how to get there, and we're both really bad at directions. I think we drove around for an hour and a half just talking! I would have known how to get there if I was taking the T or riding my bike, but in a car I'm useless. It was nice to just drive around and talk about everything. It reminded me of when I was in highschool. There's something about being in a car that's really peaceful; the soothing feeling of being in constant motion, the lights of the world whizzing by you. Rachel's really awesome and I'm so glad she's playing a bigger role in my life now.

So instead of the MFA, we came back to my apartment and baked cookies while chatting it up with Sarah. Vegan chocolate swirl chocolate chip cookies! Mmm mmm mmm. Then we all snuggled up in the livingroom and watched the new episode of LOST. That show is one mind blowing moment after another! I love how everything just comes together when you least expect it. I think that's why Sarah and I like it so much, we're always trying to put the pieces together. It's defeinitely entertaining. I totally predicted that the frenchies on the boat that found Jin in the ocean were Danielle Russo's crew from the past! And wtf, Jin's alive?! And I think we can all agree that it was obviously Ben who was trying to take Aaron away from Kate.. am I right, or am I right? Aahhh I love that show!

I'm in a very relaxed mood right now. It feels good just to be in my room listening to music. I'm feeling a little creative, so maybe I'll draw for a bit before bed. Hopefully Rachel and I will get to the MFA next Wednesday. I could use every bit of inspiration I can get right now!

potential

Still no word from Cafe Luna.. I'm going to call the manager today. I really want this job. Or a job, for that matter. I'm starting to lose my mind with all the free time that I spend alone cooped up inside, because I have no money to go anywhere or do anything. What's sad is I have so much time to do so many things if I wanted to. But I don't. I'm not using my time wisely. And I'm certainly not living up to my potential. There's so much reading, and drawing/painting, and learning I could be doing! I guess it's hard to focus on those things when I'm really trying to fix myself. Ugh, I can't wait to be a real person again and contribute something to society. Even if it's just making you your latte.

Hopefully my trip to the MFA with Rachel tonight will make me feel better.

Oh, and I made this for dinner last night! It was delicious!
I love baby mushrooooms.

ketchup!

So much has happened in the last couple days! This is why I say "my world spins way too fast." I almost can't keep up.

Saturday night was the best. It was very low-key and exactly what I needed- some time in the woods, a couple beers, good friends..

and a fire.

Sunday was spent with my family for my brother's birthday /superbowl party. I didn't care much for the game at all, but it felt really good to hug my parents and tell them I love them and see my brother and all his childhood friends. In a way, they're all my little brothers haha. It's strange seeing them all grown up into young men and it's funny that they still look up to me and think I'm cool. I like being the cool older sister. I would do anything for those kids, and I know they would for me. It's a gooood feeling!

I feel old, though. My LITTLE brother is 21 now. I can take him to bars.. oh god.

Last night was a really intense night. Dave came over and it was the first time I've seen him (besides briefly grabbing some of my stuff) in a couple weeks. It was a conversation that needed to happen and it went soo much better than I thought it would; he told me he'd wait for me to figure myself out and that losing him is the last thing I need to worry about. Which is such a relief, I've been feeling like he gave up on me and it hurts really bad to think the person you love is abandoning you. But that's really not the case, he's been such a great friend giving me all the support I need. We may not be able to be together right now but I know that he's still a part of my life and that I need to do this right this time, for myself and for him. I feel like it'll be a lot easier to focus on changing things about myself now, knowing I don't have to worry or be sad about that and that someone believes in me.

The job hunt continues! I've been glued to my computer/craigslist, applying at everything and anything. I called Cafe Luna today to follow up on my interview, but unfortunatly the owner that I spoke with isn't usually in during the week. I'm getting a little nervous.. I have until Saturday to find a job, or else I'm homeless. Anyone have a couch I can sleep on? haha