Of all my new beginings.
Today should be a really great day- my first day officially as an employee of LUSH, I get to go in and fill out paper work and meet new people and get paaaid and work for the first time in over two months!! Sounds exciting, right? And even better, I'm going to see Pete right after work to get tattooed for free- I finally get to have the polar bear I drew out almost a year ago inked on me for my daddy.
It's just too bad I have this impending doom cloud hanging over my head, following me around wherever I go. Sort of putting a damper on my should-be awesome day. The feeling that any minute I could get the call to end any bit of happiness or excitement I feel right now. It's my fault, I'm letting it follow me around. I'm letting myself worry that this is going to happen. I feel panicky, shakey. I'm focusing on the wrong things.
After talking about everything with others and internally with myself, I had a lot of self-actualizations last night.
-I fear not having control over a situation that affects me, which in turn really gets my anxiety going. I sit here with a knot in my throat and a pain in my tummy and think and think and think, when that only hurts the situation.
-I have a fear of abandonment, so I'm constantly pushing and pushing to see how far I can push before it gets to the breaking point. Then I'll be abandoned, and I can say "I told you so" and have no one to blame but myself. I'm tired of being hurt by others so I'd subconsciously rather be hurt by myself.
-I'm constantly asking for validation not only because of my past and that I was never truly appreciated, but also because I don't know how to validate my own feelings. You can't rely on someone else to constantly validate you without driving them insane or making them feel like they're always doing something wrong.
Gosh, I just hope it's not too late to share these things and put them into effect. I mean, I guess I'm glad I learned them either way because they're important to realize about myself and to have an understanding of. I just don't want this to be a casualty of the learning process.
I'm going to go take a nice warm shower, head out to starbucks and get a coffee while I look over my employee manual, and hopefully distract myself enough to feel better about my day.