Wednesday, March 4, 2009

on control

I took a long walk today, it felt good having the air in my face, no matter how cold it was. I just walked and walked and walked, me and myself. Cleared my head a little. It took a little bit to get to where I am mentally right now- I went back and forth so much in my head. I almost felt crazy because of how unsettled my thoughts were. I felt like I was having a debate with myself, trying to make points for both sides of my thoughts. I realized I need to stop worrying about what's next. I'm trying to just feel things out, let them happen, while keeping in mind all the things I've learned and want to apply to my life (which is an entirely new way of thinking for me, something I've worked on a lot). I can't control what he does or how things are going to affect him, if he's not able to just let go and not worry. And it doesn't mean I'm not good enough or not doing enough if he's not happy right now and can't see past what's happened. All I can worry about is me, and be confident that I am doing all I can. I'm not going to try and I'm not going to leave. I'm just going to be. And take care of myself. And if he wills it to happen, awesome. I can't make him want to do that right now, he has to want it on his own. It's unhealthy and detrimental to myself for me to continue trying so hard to make him see things when he doesn't want to see them right now, only to feel let down. I need to save my energy and try harder when the timing is right. I just need to accept the way things are right now.

"Ambiguity can be a wonderful thing."

Emotions are fragile, and oh so fickle. I wish there was a way to have more control over them. As I'm learning, the only way to control such a thing is to try your best to understand it. There's less fear that comes with understanding, which in turn empowers you. My goal is to really understand why I do the things I do so I can learn to stop unwanted reactions before they even occur. I don't want to be a slave to irrationality anymore. I want things to start making some sense! I want the anxiety and panic to disappear, and I want to enjoy my life to the fullest as much as I can. I'm taking all these new beginnings and I'm running with them.

Like the wind.

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