Saturday, February 28, 2009


I GOT THE EFFING JOB AT LUSH!!!!!!!!!!! This floor interview went so much better, it was much busier and I was able to give more demos. Not to mention I sold a couple $40 worth of stuff and they got some free stuff too and they kept saying how friendly I was and how they need to come in more often (deal makerrrr). I'm going in monday to fill out paperwork and wednesday I start my training! The best part is she told me I'll mainly be working tuesdays and thursdays so that leaves me room to have another job! She said that's totally cool I just need to keep her informed about it. Espresso Royale? Ahhhh. So sikeddd.


Friday, February 27, 2009

more on trust

There's nothing that makes you feel worse than seeing the person you love with someone else. Regardless of when it was, even if you're with that person now and there was a reason for why things were the way they were then. It just takes a piece of you.

I have a hard time with trust to begin with. I think it's funny when people try to hide things (you know, not necessarily lie to you but not be honest with you at the same time, that sort of thing) because they think it's what they have to do to protect you. When really, it does quite the opposite. Unfortunately, we live in a time when the internet rules everything, and even if you yourself make a conscious effort to not put your entire life out there for everyone else to see, you can't always rely on others to do the same. And I want to know when it's someone else's decision what's best for you? When you ask for honesty, usually it's because you need that and want that. Maybe that's just speaking for myself. I would just rather have someone be honest, no matter how much they think it's going to hurt me, than try and protect me because in reality it's probably just them trying to protect themselves from feeling guilty. I'm sure someone in that position may not rationalize it that way, or find it hard to admit that it's more selfish than anything else. But I'm sorry, it doesn't make me feel any better to learn about things on my own because let's face it, it all comes out sooner or later.

I know that what I saw wasn't necessarily wrong, in fact it definitely wasn't, and things are different now anyways. But that doesn't make it any less hurtful to see, and speaking as someone with trust issues, it doesn't make it any easier to trust. This is going to be something that will affect me for a while, and I wish it wasn't that way. I wish my trust issues had been taken more into consideration with the whole situation, but what's done is done. I'm trying my best to believe that everything that has come out since this came up is the truth, but it's hard when the whole thing was sort of covered up to begin with. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. I just hope that's enough to get past this.

It is the past.
It's in the past.
I'd really like to move forward.

Or have someone erase my memory.. that'd be nice.

Today went from a great morning, to an okay afternoon, to a terrible night. Hopefully there's still time to change that around. Atleast the weather was nice..

Thursday, February 26, 2009


Everything is great, great, great! I should be hearing back from LUSH by tomorrow and I'm fairly confident the job is mine. I found out last night I have a mutual friend with the manager and he's going to put in a good word. I hope that helps! Laura has informed me that Espresso Royale is hiring also! Hello, second job? I need all I can get at this point. And by next Sunday, the 8th, I will officially have a place to live! I'm moving in with Heather and Samantha and I couldn't be anymore ecstatic! Everything is falling into place. Oh, and it's been really nice rebuilding burned bridges with people from the past. There's no use for negativity anymore; the release of any tension regarding the past is definitely a step in the right direction. The past is the past for a reason.

In just the last few days, so many things have come together. Things can only go up from here! I have a lot of things to look forward to and I'm working towards getting my life on track. It's pretty gratifying when you can see physical evidence of the hard work you've put in and I feel it's all reflected in my attitude towards life right now. No one can change the mood/feeling I have right now!

The battle is far from over yet, though.

Areas of continued focus: trust, communication, attitude.

Monday, February 23, 2009

antony <3

The show last night was out of this world! Antony is so inspirational, watching the heart and soul he puts into everything he does.. amazing! There was a point where he stopped playing and just sat on stage and talked with us; it was like we were just hanging out. He was really interactive and had as all yell things out. So much fun! The band was so good too! One of them was a Berklee graduate so it was cool that he got to play at his old school. They were all so talented- the drums, cello, violin, flute, guitar, bass, everything! Soo good. Oh, and I got this cool t-shirt:

I really like the design.

So I think I just bombed my second interview at LUSH. Everyone says I did fine and I'm being too hard on myself. (What else is new?) I'm on my way to go drop off a thank you card to the manager. I hope that helps my chances! Then its off to some hypnosis thing with Dave at his school! Weee!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

my sunday

We worked the Hartford, CT bridal expo today. So much better than the last one! They had people there with actual nintendo ds' this time so people could play them, and there was a "nintendo spa" set up so people could get massages while taking some time to check out the games.

I could really get used to doing this. The pay is phenominal and its so much fun! Oh, and Antony and the Johnsons later!! Yay.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

almost there

I GOT A CALL FROM LUSHHHH, I'M GOING IN MONDAY FOR THE SECOND INTERVIEW! She said I have to wear black and white and I'll be doing demos and getting to know the store. This is better than I expected because I know I'll do well with the demos since I used to do that for the body shop and I'm sure a lot of other girls will be intimidated by that. And I'm positive I'll fit in with the group there, so this is great! STAY POSITIVE, STAY POSITIVE, STAY POSITIVE!

I'm almost exactly where I want to be! It'll be soo good to not have to worry about a million things and be on the way to figuring these things out. I've been feeling like I'm losing my mind! I've been so forgetful and disorganized. Teena keeps reminding me I'm doing well considering all the things I've got going on, but per usual I've been really hard on myself and can't just accept that I don't have control over everything right now. That'll be another step in the right direction- understanding that life is out of my control and I need to just take things as they come. I need to keep my sanity and try not to worry about things so much.

This is my new friend! His name is Benny and I love him.

I want today to be as relaxing as possible. I've got a long day full of awesomeness tomorrow and I want to be well rested and prepared for it. I'll be in Harvard Sq most of the day sipping on coffee, reading, and expanding my logic skills by doing sudoku.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


So I talked to the manager of LUSH earlier today.. she's calling me later to let me know what day I have to come back next week for my second interview. Apparently I have to go through two. The interview I went to the other day was a group interview, which I didn't know, and when I spoke with her afterwards she said she'd definitely be calling me for the floor position and that she'd put my resume through for the ASM position. I guess I assumed that meant I have the job? Maybe its just standards that I have to go through the second interview? All I know is I'm sitting on the edge of my seeeaattt waiting for this phone call so I can know more about what's going on!

I need to stay positive! This is all really good! I showed initiative by talking to her after the interview, she showed interest in me, I showed more initiative by calling her today, she said she'd definitely call me back today.. what am I worried about? I'm definitely qualified for either position. Something has to work out. Ahh I wish I didn't worry so much!

Everything in my life is up in the air and everything is relying on someone or something else. I can't wait for stability!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

in love

with Robin Pecknold.

fist full of love

I was lying in my bed last night staring
At a ceiling full of stars
When it suddenly hit me
I just have to let you know how I feel
We live together in a photograph of time
I look into your eyes
And the seas open up to me
I tell you I love you
And I always will
And I know you can't tell me
I know you can't tell me

So I'm left to pick up
The hints, the little symbols of your devotion
So I'm left to pick up
The hints, the little symbols of your devotion

And I feel your fists
And I know it's out of love
And I feel the whip
And I know it's out of love
And I feel your burning eyes burning holes
Straight through my heart
It's out of love
It's out of love

I accept and I collect upon my body
The memories of your devotion
I accept and I collect upon by body
The memories of your devotion

And I feel your fists
And I know it's out of love
And I feel the whip
And I know it's out of love
And I feel your burning eyes burning holes
Straight through my heart
It's out of love, ooh hoo
It's out of love

Give me a little bit serious love
Give me a little full love
Be full of love

Fists, fists, fists full of love...

i love this

I can't get over his voice.. it gives me the chills. I'm such a sap, I've been curled up in Teena's bed watching video after video, with tears in my eyes. It's crazy- I've had soo many good things happen in the last few days and I still find the time to cry! I guess I'm just a little lonely.. and c'moonnn, who wouldn't cry while listening to this..

I can't wait for Sunday. Apparently Evan's read reviews of past shows and they all say it's unlike anything and not to be missed. I'll probably cry then too haha. Ugh! Soo good!


Teena's landlords's wife just made her this! What a wonderful lazy day filled with lots of good food and conversation.

cloud 9

Mmmm breakfast! I've been staying with Teena the last couple days and its been soo much fun! She's taking great care of me and being a wonderful friend.

Other wonderful things: I GOT THE JOB AT LUSH! And my resume is being considered for the ASM position open! (Helooo for real, dream job!) I'm probably working the Hartford CT bridal expo this sunday! Then Antony and The Johnsons with Evan later that night! Oh, and I might be living with Heather by the end of the month! No more "couch surfing"? (I can't really complain.. I've been sleeping in bed with Teena on her tempurpedic mattress haha!) Heather's soo right, when one thing comes together, they all do! Life is good.

Monday, February 16, 2009



i'ma crybabyyy

Oh jeeze. I'm such a baby right now. I'm sitting at dunkin donuts eating a bagel and reading my book, and the song "hey there delilah" came on. And guess what I did? Started crying! Ugh I strongly dislike what lady hormones do to me! It drives me nuts! Anyways, back to my book...

best friend

Look at this cutie pie! I'm really thankful/excited for one more night with him. We're having a slumber party! Staying up all night watching Discovery Health!

"mermaid girl"

I saw the weirdest thing on tv tonight. This little 9 year old girl is literally a mermaid! She has mermaid syndrome; she's only got one leg and the bones in her feet are conjoined together as well as all her arteries. So weird. She was a great little kid though! Oh, and Fievel Goes West is a great film! Claaassic.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Yeah, I got one. Let's be friends on thurrr too.
(add me..

Sooo tired.. about to start moving. Then passing the eff out!

soo tired

I worked at Gelette Stadium all day today with Heather, Samantha, and Julia. We asked people (it was directed mostly at women) questions about gaming systems and whether or not they play the Nintendo DS haha. It was weird because we were at a Bridal Expo! Not a bad six hours of work. We pretty much got to hang out and talk, and joke around with people there. It was nice to make some new friends, too. That's exactly what I need right now.


Today has been one craaazy ride.

I had a really good heart to heart with Dave tonight. It was sort of on accident that I happened to see him tonight, it wasn't planned and it was sort of on a bad note initially. But it does seem rather appropriate that we ended up seeing each other on valentine's day. PS- I am soo happy it's now Feb. 15th and the craze is over with. If I see one more girl walking around with a rose..

Last valentine's day Dave and I accidentally ended up going on a date, too. It's funny how that worked out. Last year was definitely the best accidental valentine's day date ever.

I am still recovering from the late night I had last night hanging with Evan and Enwright. The three of us and Andrew went to the Los Campesinos! show at the Paradise, and saw Titus Andronicus along with them.. some band from NJ. They weren't bad. The show as a whole was soo much fun! So much dancing, and clapping, and yelling! I made friends with kids dancing around me. Just so much good energy! Oh, and Evan and I made friends with these two kids dressed up as vampires on the redline, and he bought a beer off them for $1.35 haha.

Then the night ended with me, Evan, and Enwright staying up until 6am talking forever and making lists. And making plans for tonight that never happened! (Evan, you owe me!)

It's weird that I'll be moving the rest of my stuff tomorrow. I can't even believe how many times I've had to/chose to move in the last five years.. I can't wait to settle down somewhere at some point in my lifeeee. It's going to be a weird change.

I'm STILL so sad about Gatsby.. I'm starting to freak out. Tonight is our last night together. I'm going to miss this snuggle face more than anything! Even though it's just for a few weeks, it feels like it's going to be forever.

Yuck, I have to be up in four hours! I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get to bed early on my last night in the Buddha Lama haha. Tomorrow is going to be a verrrry long day!

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I'm such an idiot... why do I do this to myself?

Friday, February 13, 2009


I just sold my DS to some guy and everythings looking up! Now I have enough to pay off some of my debt and this guys daughter can have the white nintendo DS she always wanted that they stopped making! I love how life works! Oh, and Heather is helping me out with a gig making some extra money on Sunday! Sweeeet. (Thanks again, Heather!)

things from today

I loooove love food. I don't know how I don't weigh 200lbs! If I keep eating the way I have been, I'm bound to be haha. Getting rid of my food by Sunday is fun!

This was my dinner! Homemade pan fried veggie gyozas!
mmm delish!
And this was my lunch! Black bean, tomato, and "cheese" quesadilla!

Entertainment today: this was painful to watch. What's going on here? I can't tell if it's for real, or if it's an act. I wouldn't be surprised if it were either haha..

What a looong day. I'm so ready for sleep! I'm looking forward to tomorrow night- Los Campencinos! show at the Paradise! And I also can't wait for valentine's day to be over! Get this holiday propaganda outttaa myyy faaace! Wah waahh wah, it's annoying.

Snuggling Gatsby alll niiight!

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Kelsey just posted this on myspace, and it's soo cute! Thought I'd share.


More and more and more packing and throwing out. This is going to be another long day.

I need something fun to do tonight!


I can't sleep. I need to sleep, I want to sleep. But it just won't happen! I think I need some really good snuggles.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

successful day/night

I've found a new favorite show, and what's best is it's on right after Lost! Important Things with Demetri Martin:

Tonight was fun, Rachel and I went to the MFA (yes, we actually made it this time) and walked around for hours talking about lifeee while looking at art! We're going to be museum buddies. I want to go all the time, even if it's just to be around the creativity. It really inspires me!

Tomorrow is more packing. Today was semi-successful, I got a lot thrown away and re-organized. Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to be taking and what else is going in storage. I'm trying to sell my digital camera and my nintendo ds for some extra money.
(if anyone needs a new camera or loves video games, let me know! haha)

I'm still sad about Gatsby.. I don't want to leave him!

I'm so hungry, I can't stop eating! I need more people to come help me eat the rest of my food! As hungry as I am, I can't do it alone haha. Gahh I'm going to be pigging out the next four days!

roll with it

"You gotta roll with it, You gotta take your time, You gotta say what you say, Don't let anybody get in your way." Best way to start your day off.. sipping coffee, blaring Oasis.

That nervous/excited feeling is back! I'm spending the day packing things and getting rid of a lot of stuff. I'm also putting stuff together to sell for really cheap. Every dollar counts right now! I wish it was warm enough to have a yard sale. I hate the process and the hassle of having to take pictures of everything, make a post for it, all the e-mails and running around when you use craisglist! Oh well, I just need to do it. I got a huge chunk of the boxes that have been in the closets for months over Teena's yesterday, then we sipped some tea and I brought my waffle iron over and we made delicious banana belgium waffles! And we played with Kipper. He tried to hump my leg haha! I love spending time with Teena, she's so much fun; the girl is a ball of freakin energy! So many laughs and soo much support. Oh, and I filled out paperwork for food stamps! That will be really sweet to not have to worry about buying food for a while. It was weird to put down that I'm technically homeless now. Well, as of this weekend. I'm homeless. I guess I never thought of it that way. I'm thinking of having a huge feast one night to try and get rid of most of the food I have now.. I can't be carrying that around with me, and it's weird to store food in a basement for a month, right? We'll see. Tomorrow is the day I'll be planning what I'll be taking with me everywhere I go, and how heavy/light I'll be travelling.
The one thing that is making me soooo sad is the fact that while I'm in transit I'm going to have to leave this guy behind somewhere. He's my best friend, my baby. Last night I was just staring at him, and he stared back at me, and just the way he was looking at me.. made me want to cry! He makes my days a little brighter. And I don't want him to feel abandoned, or forget who his mommy is.. I don't want him to not love me as much. I feel terrible! I'm going to miss him sooo much. I'm really hoping that it only takes me a month or so to get caught up and back on my feet, and have some money saved up so I can find a place to live. Ugh, this is going to be so hard. But I just need to do it. Again, with the nervous/excited feeling! I'm scared because I know this is going to be tough. But I'm excited because I know I'm strong and capable of making this all work. It'll be an adventure!

Another crazy chapter to the book of my life haha.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Suuuchh a good night last night! I missed Dave, I love him so much. Hands down the best person I know. I can't wait until he can be in my life full-time again. We'll see, hopefully soon.

I'm in the middle of packing my things up and waiting for Teena to get here. I'm moving some of my stuff into her place today. It's going to be weird not living at "The Buddha Lama" anymore.. but a move I think is for the best. I'm trying to work really hard to get to where I need to be, and I think this is a step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of work, but I can do it.

I'll be couch surfing for a while. This should be fun.. haha.


Monday, February 9, 2009

on trust

I have a lot of trust issues, all thanks to very untrustworthy people from my past. I'm forever tainted because of the lies I've been fed, more specifically from ex-boyfriends. And it's hard because now no matter how sweet and nice and honest a guy can be, I always find room to doubt. I'm starting to recognize this as a huge flaw in myself.. I really need to try and trust certain people, and trust in myself as well. I can't take the anxiety that comes along with the worry of always being lied to. I don't deserve to feel that way and that's just letting all of them win anyways. I need to be strong and let it go.

My sleep schedule has been much more under control lately, and I attribute a lot of the positive feelings I've been having to this. Good rest = a good mind. I need to keep up with this schedule!


Sunday, February 8, 2009


i'm pretty sure that when you make plans with someone, if you figure out you can't follow through with them, the only polite and considerate thing to do is to pick up the goddamn phone and let the other party know. no matter how important or unimportant the said plans were.

these were important plans.

on substance

despite the troubles i'm still facing with my internal battles, things outside of myself are starting to feel a little better. my best friend, nana, is back from china. i didn't realize how much her being gone really affected me until i saw her on friday. we just talked forever, made delicious food, sipped hot chocolate, and watched monk (one of our guilty pleasures haha). and today i was lucky enough to talk to emily on the phone! first time since she moved to new jersey in august! her and i are so alike, and it was really nice to know i'm not alone in the way i think and feel about things- i'm not crazy! this is really what i've needed this whole time, some strong, open-minded, and beautiful ladies in my lifeeee. it's funny to me, i've always felt i got along better with guys, that i could relate better to them. but as i get older i realize how much that's changed. no one understands me quite like these ladies do. i'm so thankful to have such an understanding in my life.

i have a very nervous/exciting feeling that in 6 months from now, my life will be completely different. for the best, of course. it's just weird to think about because i know that a lot of the things in my life now will not be following me to my new, better life. i have this almost calming acceptance about it though. like i know this is what i need to do, and i'm okay with that. i'm just going to make the best of these things, and appreciate them, both good and bad, when they're gone.

i'm starting to like this routine: sipping coffee/tea and expelling thoughts from my head. i feel like writing things out helps me organize the mess of a head i have. i almost feel like it's also helping me open my mind a bit, which i'm sure is a result of my thoughts being clearer. but whatever. documenting my train of thought has been helpful in understanding and recognizing the changes i'm making. i'm already noticing the differences in my writing and the tone of my thoughts. overall, i'm feeling more positive. yaayy.

i might go try and take another bath. hopefully this one is far more successful than yesterdays!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

just my luck

So I'm trying to take that bath I mentioned before... but there's no hot water!!! I got in and realized it was only mildly warm. Kept running the hot water, nothing. The kitchen sink, nothing. So since I'm still dripping wet and need to ATLEAST wash my hair.. I've resorted to this:


home alone

It's going to be really nice to have money to go out and do things again. I've been feeling like I'm turning into a hermit, but really I just dread going out because I can't afford to do anything. I don't even have money to take a bus or the t anywhere.. I am the type of person who enjoys a good cozy day in just watching movies, baking, or doing arts and crafts. But I've just been feeling really alone.. I spend most of my days doing those things by myself. Well, with Gatsby haha. Maybe I just need to make new/more friends.

How do you make new friends, exactly? I'm not in school, I don't have money to go out and even if I did I'm not sure I'd meet anyone worth meeting at bars or parties here. It's so hard to find substance in Boston. I just can't wait until the warmer weather so I can ride my bike, play frisbee or badmitten, lay by the river and read my book, or any of the other free fun things there is to do, even when you're by yourself.

I need good pictures of dream catchers, and Google images are just not cutting it for me! Anyone know of better ways to browse/find pictures?

I'm not really feeling well.. I think I'm going to go take a bubble bath and read some more of my book. Then I need to get motivated and do some things for myself.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


I really enjoy the train ride to Gloucester. It's so pretty- almost the whole 50 minute trip the ocean is to the right and when it's not, you get to se all the little shops of Swampscott, or Beverley Farms, or the beautiful homes with ponds in Manchester By The Sea. This trip always makes me nostalgic, I have a lot of good memories from trips before.


I just got a call from the 570 Market down on Tremont St.! I had a really awesome interview with the owner a couple weeks ago, he's a really fun guy. He needed someone who would be at the store by 5:15am, but the first orange line train doesn't leave until 5:16. So I don't know, I left him a message back. Maybe he has a slightly later position to offer me? Maybe I have a job?

Fingers crossed!!


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

it was Russo!!

Unsuccessful trip to the MFA. Rachel and I drove, neither of us knew how to get there, and we're both really bad at directions. I think we drove around for an hour and a half just talking! I would have known how to get there if I was taking the T or riding my bike, but in a car I'm useless. It was nice to just drive around and talk about everything. It reminded me of when I was in highschool. There's something about being in a car that's really peaceful; the soothing feeling of being in constant motion, the lights of the world whizzing by you. Rachel's really awesome and I'm so glad she's playing a bigger role in my life now.

So instead of the MFA, we came back to my apartment and baked cookies while chatting it up with Sarah. Vegan chocolate swirl chocolate chip cookies! Mmm mmm mmm. Then we all snuggled up in the livingroom and watched the new episode of LOST. That show is one mind blowing moment after another! I love how everything just comes together when you least expect it. I think that's why Sarah and I like it so much, we're always trying to put the pieces together. It's defeinitely entertaining. I totally predicted that the frenchies on the boat that found Jin in the ocean were Danielle Russo's crew from the past! And wtf, Jin's alive?! And I think we can all agree that it was obviously Ben who was trying to take Aaron away from Kate.. am I right, or am I right? Aahhh I love that show!

I'm in a very relaxed mood right now. It feels good just to be in my room listening to music. I'm feeling a little creative, so maybe I'll draw for a bit before bed. Hopefully Rachel and I will get to the MFA next Wednesday. I could use every bit of inspiration I can get right now!


Still no word from Cafe Luna.. I'm going to call the manager today. I really want this job. Or a job, for that matter. I'm starting to lose my mind with all the free time that I spend alone cooped up inside, because I have no money to go anywhere or do anything. What's sad is I have so much time to do so many things if I wanted to. But I don't. I'm not using my time wisely. And I'm certainly not living up to my potential. There's so much reading, and drawing/painting, and learning I could be doing! I guess it's hard to focus on those things when I'm really trying to fix myself. Ugh, I can't wait to be a real person again and contribute something to society. Even if it's just making you your latte.

Hopefully my trip to the MFA with Rachel tonight will make me feel better.

Oh, and I made this for dinner last night! It was delicious!
I love baby mushrooooms.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


So much has happened in the last couple days! This is why I say "my world spins way too fast." I almost can't keep up.

Saturday night was the best. It was very low-key and exactly what I needed- some time in the woods, a couple beers, good friends..

and a fire.

Sunday was spent with my family for my brother's birthday /superbowl party. I didn't care much for the game at all, but it felt really good to hug my parents and tell them I love them and see my brother and all his childhood friends. In a way, they're all my little brothers haha. It's strange seeing them all grown up into young men and it's funny that they still look up to me and think I'm cool. I like being the cool older sister. I would do anything for those kids, and I know they would for me. It's a gooood feeling!

I feel old, though. My LITTLE brother is 21 now. I can take him to bars.. oh god.

Last night was a really intense night. Dave came over and it was the first time I've seen him (besides briefly grabbing some of my stuff) in a couple weeks. It was a conversation that needed to happen and it went soo much better than I thought it would; he told me he'd wait for me to figure myself out and that losing him is the last thing I need to worry about. Which is such a relief, I've been feeling like he gave up on me and it hurts really bad to think the person you love is abandoning you. But that's really not the case, he's been such a great friend giving me all the support I need. We may not be able to be together right now but I know that he's still a part of my life and that I need to do this right this time, for myself and for him. I feel like it'll be a lot easier to focus on changing things about myself now, knowing I don't have to worry or be sad about that and that someone believes in me.

The job hunt continues! I've been glued to my computer/craigslist, applying at everything and anything. I called Cafe Luna today to follow up on my interview, but unfortunatly the owner that I spoke with isn't usually in during the week. I'm getting a little nervous.. I have until Saturday to find a job, or else I'm homeless. Anyone have a couch I can sleep on? haha