Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Today was a big day for me at work. I haven't felt much like myself lately, and for some reason (maybe it was the weather) I decided to get all dressed up, curled my hair, did my make up and I told myself I was going to have an awesome day. And you know what? I did! It was just me and my manager, Rachel, the whole shift, and of course it was really slow just like most Tuesdays. But between the two of us we rocked the house, all our numbers were up, and we made the most of what we had to work with. Not only did I feel more comfortable and confident, I got my first compliment from Rachel. Little, I know, but it meant the world to me. I've been realizing I'm not putting in enough effort or focusing enough on my job so I've been trying harder and I guess it shows.

I've also noticed I've been very reserved around people from work.. which is very unlike me. I should be taking this opportunity to make new friends and get to know everyone there, while letting them get to know me. Today was different though; I was joking around, chattin' it up, dancing around, and I guess just being myself. A much nicer change of pace / a much needed change of pace.

This Sunday is the Down To Earth Festival at the Hynes Convention Center. I'm really looking forward to this, not to mention getting to see and work with Bonnie there! I'm learning a lot more in depth about Lush as far as the morals of the company, how they source their ingredients, and our effect on the environment, this way I can share all this info with anyone who asks. And it'll be interesting to discover other green companies in or around the Boston area. So siked I was asked to work this! I'm the only new hire from my store that was asked to go.. again, little, I know. But it's a big deal to me!

(to learn more about the D2E Festival, read thissss: http://greencottonblog.com/2009/03/down-2-earth-boston-april/)

every night

I wake up every night several times, with images flashing in my head and I hear words you said over and over again. Things I don't want to hear or see but no matter how hard I try to push them out they come. Every night. I hardly sleep a full night now, and when the morning comes I stay in bed trying to catch up from the night. Maybe I'm just afraid to face the day. Sleeping until 2pm has become my way of coping. Some may think I'm just being lazy and depressed, but I think I deserve to deal with things however I feel is necessary, and I'd rather be sleeping than doing something more self destructive. And for what it's worth, I give myself the time I need to sleep off whatever sad feelings I have and then the rest of my day is filled with catching up with the things I need to do and it's almost like I don't even have the time to be sad then. I've slept half my day away, so I need to just focus and get things done. Whatever, it's working. I haven't shed one tear since last week and I intend on keeping up this streak.

At one point when I woke up in the middle of the night, it wasn't even sad or upsetting thoughts that popped into my head.. I got this wave of relief and excitement, thinking about how I know the next person I commit to will really be worth it and will be someone I'm going to be with for a very very long time. Someone who will make me feel just as good, if not better than the last. I'm excited to meet this future person and I suppose that's something to look forward to.

But I'm certainly in no rush, that's for sure.

Monday, March 30, 2009

spring, plz?

I can't wait for warm weather 24/7. Life will be so different then.

I took that a year and a half ago. Fall. I would probably do anything to go back to this time and start the last year over again.

I need the sun to brighten my day.
I'm having trouble doing it on my own.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

it's been a while

So much is different, life. It's funny really. I hope from here on out I'm off the rollercoaster. What happens from here on out is in my control, if I don't want to be on the ride I don't have to be. I need to start making some decisions and sticking to them.

You were right. Being different is much harder but far more important than going with the flow of what everybody else does.

I've made some promises to myself that I intend on keeping. I'm going to stay true to myself, and give myself the respect I deserve. I deserve to be loved, and I'm not going to give myself to anyone until I'm sure it's worth it and it's a mutual appreciation. I'm going to find myself a home to call my own. I'm not going to deal with people who aren't worth my time.

Now that I've got myself where I want to be, I need to start applying the things I've learned and making the best of myself. No matter what anyone thinks, I know I'm a strong person and I know who I am and that I'm not everyone else. I need to let that shine through.

I was told the other day that I'm a good person and that I've been given the opportunity to get myself back on my feet and that I need to take it. I appreciate the honesty and positivity that surrounds me now, and I'm going to make the best of that.

Blah blah blah..

Friday, March 6, 2009


Way to start off my day. I hope it gets better from here on out...

It will get better.
I'm going to make it better.
No matter what choices you make.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

on control

I took a long walk today, it felt good having the air in my face, no matter how cold it was. I just walked and walked and walked, me and myself. Cleared my head a little. It took a little bit to get to where I am mentally right now- I went back and forth so much in my head. I almost felt crazy because of how unsettled my thoughts were. I felt like I was having a debate with myself, trying to make points for both sides of my thoughts. I realized I need to stop worrying about what's next. I'm trying to just feel things out, let them happen, while keeping in mind all the things I've learned and want to apply to my life (which is an entirely new way of thinking for me, something I've worked on a lot). I can't control what he does or how things are going to affect him, if he's not able to just let go and not worry. And it doesn't mean I'm not good enough or not doing enough if he's not happy right now and can't see past what's happened. All I can worry about is me, and be confident that I am doing all I can. I'm not going to try and I'm not going to leave. I'm just going to be. And take care of myself. And if he wills it to happen, awesome. I can't make him want to do that right now, he has to want it on his own. It's unhealthy and detrimental to myself for me to continue trying so hard to make him see things when he doesn't want to see them right now, only to feel let down. I need to save my energy and try harder when the timing is right. I just need to accept the way things are right now.

"Ambiguity can be a wonderful thing."

Emotions are fragile, and oh so fickle. I wish there was a way to have more control over them. As I'm learning, the only way to control such a thing is to try your best to understand it. There's less fear that comes with understanding, which in turn empowers you. My goal is to really understand why I do the things I do so I can learn to stop unwanted reactions before they even occur. I don't want to be a slave to irrationality anymore. I want things to start making some sense! I want the anxiety and panic to disappear, and I want to enjoy my life to the fullest as much as I can. I'm taking all these new beginnings and I'm running with them.

Like the wind.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

first day!

Work went so well! All we did was go over paperwork, and the employee manual, but it was so much fun! My days this week got all mixed around, and unfortunately she said it's going to be like this for a little while, but I get to go back in on Friday for a longer shift where my actual training will begin. I can't wait! But I realized today that I'm definitely going to need a second job, and I'm going to need it a.s.a.p.! So if anyone knows of anything, let me knooow please.

It feels good to be a contributing member of society again.

I'm kind of bummed, my plans with Laura got canceled tonight. I was really looking forward to catching up with her. And to being occupied. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my night now, but I need to do something. I'm trying to keep my mind off things, and it seems to be helping the situation over all. But it's still really scary being in the dark.

I just miss feeling completely happy. I want that right now, so bad.

Monday, March 2, 2009


So LUSH just called, they're closing early because of the snow so I'm not going in today. And Teena's roommate just jumped in the shower.

Just my effing luck. Ughhhhh.
What do I do now??

the begining

Of all my new beginings.

Today should be a really great day- my first day officially as an employee of LUSH, I get to go in and fill out paper work and meet new people and get paaaid and work for the first time in over two months!! Sounds exciting, right? And even better, I'm going to see Pete right after work to get tattooed for free- I finally get to have the polar bear I drew out almost a year ago inked on me for my daddy.

It's just too bad I have this impending doom cloud hanging over my head, following me around wherever I go. Sort of putting a damper on my should-be awesome day. The feeling that any minute I could get the call to end any bit of happiness or excitement I feel right now. It's my fault, I'm letting it follow me around. I'm letting myself worry that this is going to happen. I feel panicky, shakey. I'm focusing on the wrong things.

After talking about everything with others and internally with myself, I had a lot of self-actualizations last night.
-I fear not having control over a situation that affects me, which in turn really gets my anxiety going. I sit here with a knot in my throat and a pain in my tummy and think and think and think, when that only hurts the situation.
-I have a fear of abandonment, so I'm constantly pushing and pushing to see how far I can push before it gets to the breaking point. Then I'll be abandoned, and I can say "I told you so" and have no one to blame but myself. I'm tired of being hurt by others so I'd subconsciously rather be hurt by myself.
-I'm constantly asking for validation not only because of my past and that I was never truly appreciated, but also because I don't know how to validate my own feelings. You can't rely on someone else to constantly validate you without driving them insane or making them feel like they're always doing something wrong.

Gosh, I just hope it's not too late to share these things and put them into effect. I mean, I guess I'm glad I learned them either way because they're important to realize about myself and to have an understanding of. I just don't want this to be a casualty of the learning process.

I'm going to go take a nice warm shower, head out to starbucks and get a coffee while I look over my employee manual, and hopefully distract myself enough to feel better about my day.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

it ain't me, babe.

I don't know how we go from soo high up to soo low down. Is it really all me? Am I realy that fucked? Just when I thought everything was going perfect.. Sometimes I really fucking hate my brain and my heart.

wise owls

Teena just bought me these to "celebrate my new life, new job, and having a place to live"! She said I'm wise just like these little guys. They're so cute, I love owls! I'm giving her the blue one because she's great.

I've been meeting a lot of new people. I hope this keeps up. I'm hoping to find more substance and more things to occupy my time with. I need to connect more. I need to be stimulated more. I need to learn and expand and grow more. Keeeep it comin'.