Tuesday, March 31, 2009

every night

I wake up every night several times, with images flashing in my head and I hear words you said over and over again. Things I don't want to hear or see but no matter how hard I try to push them out they come. Every night. I hardly sleep a full night now, and when the morning comes I stay in bed trying to catch up from the night. Maybe I'm just afraid to face the day. Sleeping until 2pm has become my way of coping. Some may think I'm just being lazy and depressed, but I think I deserve to deal with things however I feel is necessary, and I'd rather be sleeping than doing something more self destructive. And for what it's worth, I give myself the time I need to sleep off whatever sad feelings I have and then the rest of my day is filled with catching up with the things I need to do and it's almost like I don't even have the time to be sad then. I've slept half my day away, so I need to just focus and get things done. Whatever, it's working. I haven't shed one tear since last week and I intend on keeping up this streak.

At one point when I woke up in the middle of the night, it wasn't even sad or upsetting thoughts that popped into my head.. I got this wave of relief and excitement, thinking about how I know the next person I commit to will really be worth it and will be someone I'm going to be with for a very very long time. Someone who will make me feel just as good, if not better than the last. I'm excited to meet this future person and I suppose that's something to look forward to.

But I'm certainly in no rush, that's for sure.

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