Sunday, February 8, 2009

on substance

despite the troubles i'm still facing with my internal battles, things outside of myself are starting to feel a little better. my best friend, nana, is back from china. i didn't realize how much her being gone really affected me until i saw her on friday. we just talked forever, made delicious food, sipped hot chocolate, and watched monk (one of our guilty pleasures haha). and today i was lucky enough to talk to emily on the phone! first time since she moved to new jersey in august! her and i are so alike, and it was really nice to know i'm not alone in the way i think and feel about things- i'm not crazy! this is really what i've needed this whole time, some strong, open-minded, and beautiful ladies in my lifeeee. it's funny to me, i've always felt i got along better with guys, that i could relate better to them. but as i get older i realize how much that's changed. no one understands me quite like these ladies do. i'm so thankful to have such an understanding in my life.

i have a very nervous/exciting feeling that in 6 months from now, my life will be completely different. for the best, of course. it's just weird to think about because i know that a lot of the things in my life now will not be following me to my new, better life. i have this almost calming acceptance about it though. like i know this is what i need to do, and i'm okay with that. i'm just going to make the best of these things, and appreciate them, both good and bad, when they're gone.

i'm starting to like this routine: sipping coffee/tea and expelling thoughts from my head. i feel like writing things out helps me organize the mess of a head i have. i almost feel like it's also helping me open my mind a bit, which i'm sure is a result of my thoughts being clearer. but whatever. documenting my train of thought has been helpful in understanding and recognizing the changes i'm making. i'm already noticing the differences in my writing and the tone of my thoughts. overall, i'm feeling more positive. yaayy.

i might go try and take another bath. hopefully this one is far more successful than yesterdays!

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