Friday, February 27, 2009

more on trust

There's nothing that makes you feel worse than seeing the person you love with someone else. Regardless of when it was, even if you're with that person now and there was a reason for why things were the way they were then. It just takes a piece of you.

I have a hard time with trust to begin with. I think it's funny when people try to hide things (you know, not necessarily lie to you but not be honest with you at the same time, that sort of thing) because they think it's what they have to do to protect you. When really, it does quite the opposite. Unfortunately, we live in a time when the internet rules everything, and even if you yourself make a conscious effort to not put your entire life out there for everyone else to see, you can't always rely on others to do the same. And I want to know when it's someone else's decision what's best for you? When you ask for honesty, usually it's because you need that and want that. Maybe that's just speaking for myself. I would just rather have someone be honest, no matter how much they think it's going to hurt me, than try and protect me because in reality it's probably just them trying to protect themselves from feeling guilty. I'm sure someone in that position may not rationalize it that way, or find it hard to admit that it's more selfish than anything else. But I'm sorry, it doesn't make me feel any better to learn about things on my own because let's face it, it all comes out sooner or later.

I know that what I saw wasn't necessarily wrong, in fact it definitely wasn't, and things are different now anyways. But that doesn't make it any less hurtful to see, and speaking as someone with trust issues, it doesn't make it any easier to trust. This is going to be something that will affect me for a while, and I wish it wasn't that way. I wish my trust issues had been taken more into consideration with the whole situation, but what's done is done. I'm trying my best to believe that everything that has come out since this came up is the truth, but it's hard when the whole thing was sort of covered up to begin with. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. I just hope that's enough to get past this.

It is the past.
It's in the past.
I'd really like to move forward.

Or have someone erase my memory.. that'd be nice.

Today went from a great morning, to an okay afternoon, to a terrible night. Hopefully there's still time to change that around. Atleast the weather was nice..

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