Wednesday, January 28, 2009

trying to give up on regret

I really need to vent right now.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but it's really hard when I'm feeling so alone. I know I have people in my life, but I feel like most of my friendships have suffered due to my own insecurities at one point in time, or maybe just the fact that I've moved on. I just don't feel close to anyone right now. I've been reminded a few times lately that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. But I want to know what happens when you can't rely on yourself either?

Ever since I can remember I've run from all my problems, never standing tall and looking them in the face. And now at the age of 23 that's all I know. I've been running since age 8, hiding between all the drugs and moving around every six months. And it seems as though I've hit a wall; I don't have the money or resources to run right now. I'm basically being forced to address all these problems that have been chasing me for years all at once, and it's a bit overwhelming. I've dug myself a very deep grave and I don't even know where to start fixing the situation. And how do you even have the motivation to change things when your friends think you're a failure, the person you love doesn't see the person they fell in love with when they look at you and it's because of you the relationship failed, and you're constantly struggling to find substance in your life? I just want someone to believe in me, someone to not give up on me. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.. I feel so weak and incapable of doing anything for myself or anyone else right now. I'm not where I want to be, I hate who I've become. I would give anything to be who I was a year ago.

I need to not be flat on my face anymore, but back up on my feet.

I've been writing this for over two hours now. I had so much more I wanted to say, but I can't get it out. I can't even vent or get my thoughts straight. I need more time to think.

Please don't give up on me...

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