1,000 words

Too much to say, far too little time. So here's some pictures to show you whats been going on with my life.

Also- I'm thinking of getting a tumblr instead. Does Anyone use that too?

6 months vacation

I have not used this blog in.. god, a very long time. Now that I have a brand new MacBook Pro I think I'd like to make more use out of this. Maybe I'll even write Bernardo's blog about Boston transportation haha. We'll see..

Life's very different now. I'm the manager in training(MIT) at LUSH and I still love my job. I get paid really well to do something I love- I couldn't be any luckier. And it feels good to be busy a lot of the time. It keeps my energy up and I feel a lot more accomplished. I have a beautiful apartment by Stonybrook in Jamaica Plain. Newly renovated, Sheri and I are the first people to live in it for the last 7 years- brand new appliances, brand new floors, granite counters, breakfast bar, dim-able lights throughout the whole place, even a towel warmer in the bathroom! I wish everyone could come see it.. I have a space to concentrate on my art, which has been slowly becoming more of a part of my life again. I've been reading a lot more which is helping me keep inspired and educated. But then, some things are the same. I'm still in love, after almost two very long years. Things have been tough, but through the thick and thin of it I know we're learning a lot and it's only making us stronger. Remembering: everything happens for a reason, and this space and time is only a test. And assuring myself that if it never works out,

then it's for the best. I'm just really focused on MY life right now, and letting whatever happens around me just happen. I have more important things to worry myself over..

I found out a month ago that my father has cancer. This has been very hard on me, my dad is my best friend and probably the biggest influence on me and has made me the person I am now. They haven't quite found the source of the cancer- they've changed their thoughts a couple of times now, but they've located a mass in his bladder which he's scheduled to have it removed, but the biggest concern right now is whether or not it's spread to his bones. In which case, there's nothing they can do for him. Anyone who knows me well, knows my father has been sick for a very long time now. This is not the first time the thought of him dying has passed through my head. Although this time, it's different. It's much more real. But I'm trying to just stay positive about it, and send lots of positivity his way. That's all we can really do about it until we know more.

I've been trying to apply that as a new rule to my life in general- 100% positivity, 100% of the time. It just feels better to feel good. And I have a lot of things in my life to feel good about. I just need to remember that when times get really tough.

Anyways, back to my soynog and folding clothes haha!

hah

Everything happens for a reason..

Exactly.

heck yesss

Awesome night at work! Awesome, awesome, awesome. To sum it up for you.. my manager is going to submit my resume to the regional manager for the manager in training position!! SO SIKED! This is what I've wanted, and apparently after just two months I'm ready. I know if I put my mind to anything, I can make it happen. I've been in such a good mood ever since. The whole conversation made me feel really confident, I'm so happy she thinks so highly of me. It means a lot, and the fact that I get so into my job and giddy about how good I do isn't so corny after all.. it's part of the reason I'm getting recommended for the position!

LOVE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!
EVERYTHING IS GOING SOO GOOD!!!

two things

1. Whoever came up with time zones is a genius. I woke up and for some reason started thinking like- why isn't there just one time for the whole earth, they make it so complicated for traveling and trying to figure out what time it is where. And then I realized that was a stupid thought, and that it makes so much sense, and how hard it must have been to sit down and figure out how to spread out something like TIME for the whole world.. like, how do you decide things like that? I don't know, weird thought, I probably sound stupid, whatever.

2. Through random discussion last night, I found out that Justin and I were at the very same show for both of our first concert.. with our parents! haha Powerman 5000 and Kid Rock at the Tsongas Arena! bahaha It's such a small world, it kills me. I'm still laughing over this discovery.


D2E Festival in a little bit... I'm so nervous now!
Hope I do well and make mama proud!

mission accomplished!

Finally met Bernardo!

That's been a life long goal I've been trying to achieve, and finally did! haha I really wish we had gotten a picture to document it happening.. several years in the making. What a cool dude!

uhh

Why do I do this to myself? I let down my guard so easily, allowing myself to be set up for disappointment. I just want to feel secure again.. and to not have to see things I don't want to see. To not even have to worry those things are even going to be there. I'm starting to question everything.

Should I dig deeper for the truth?
Or should I just accept the unknown and move on?


Ughhh my tummy doesn't feel well..

decisions, decisions.

Everything is always so up and down. Always. I really need to start exploring my options and making some serious decisions about the important things that are going to affect my future; jobs, living situation, friends. Actually, friends is just about under control. I'm happy with the decisions I've made in that department- I know that I'm where I belong now and that it was not a good environment for me where I came from. Anyways, serious decision making.. yeah.

I can't wait for my next day off. I'm going to do so many things!

kickin' it

Another really awesome night at work! Sold a bunch of stuff, a customer complimented me to my manager, and my manager complimented me at the staff meeting for the rockin' day we had, staff meeting was awesome, and I'm still looking forward to the D2E Fesitval! Feels so good to be doing something with myself and contributing again!

I think that no matter where in life I'll ever be, I'll always be yours.

Is that weird?

I have a very different perspective on things right now. I'm just relaxin' and enjoying things. Taking one step at a time and trying to stay positive. Everything works out in the end, and I trust myself to make whatever decisions are best for me. Blah blah blah, I'm going to go snuggle Gatsby and pass out! I'm runnin' on empty!

Stuntin' like my daddy.

Uh, what??

Omg, I'm soo tired...

rant 2

Totally unrelated to the last entry.. I also think it's funny when people try and tell someone something strictly for selfish reasons, and try and play it off like they're just telling that someone for their benefit and because they think they're a good person (even though they've only met them once), not realizing they're hurting this person and using their feelings as a pawn in some selfish driven, childish game.

LAME.

Maybe you should pay as much attention to yourself as you do other people and their business. What kind of life are you living if you thrive off drama and going out of your way to make people miserable? Going back to 8th grade with this one.. but get a fucking life! Find something else to occupy your time with, get a hobby or some sea monkey's to watch or something. Maybe try and dig deeper into yourself and attack your inner demons and try to learn why you're such a fucking miserable person inside. Oh, but that's too hard.. you'd rather just bring everyone else down to your level and pick other people apart. You're a vulture. An opportunist. Ugh, and I fucking know you're going to read this too! You think I'm such a bad person, go out of your way to tell important people to me how you reeeeally feel, yet you still find the time to check up on me and keep your tabs. You're fucking pathetic. And everyone else knows it too, I don't even need to go behind your back and tell them.

Funny how that works.

rant

i fucking hate when people stick their noses where they don't belong and don't even get all their facts straight before they open their fucking mouths. you fucked up an amazing thing for me and made me look like something i'm not, and no one fucking believes a word i said and that's so fucked up because who the fuck are you to be trusted?! i am not a bad person, i did nothing wrong, and i end up fucking lost and empty. for nothing. over fucking nothing. thanks fucking assholes with big fucking mouths and no sense of fucking respect.


i've been holding this in for a week now and for some reason i just fucking snapped. i'll get over things and get on with my life and continue living, but i don't trust fucking anyone anymore and i'm mourning over the loss of something that was so fucking important to me when i really should be enjoying that to the fullest and loving life.



FML.

FUCK EVERYONE.

work

Today was a big day for me at work. I haven't felt much like myself lately, and for some reason (maybe it was the weather) I decided to get all dressed up, curled my hair, did my make up and I told myself I was going to have an awesome day. And you know what? I did! It was just me and my manager, Rachel, the whole shift, and of course it was really slow just like most Tuesdays. But between the two of us we rocked the house, all our numbers were up, and we made the most of what we had to work with. Not only did I feel more comfortable and confident, I got my first compliment from Rachel. Little, I know, but it meant the world to me. I've been realizing I'm not putting in enough effort or focusing enough on my job so I've been trying harder and I guess it shows.

I've also noticed I've been very reserved around people from work.. which is very unlike me. I should be taking this opportunity to make new friends and get to know everyone there, while letting them get to know me. Today was different though; I was joking around, chattin' it up, dancing around, and I guess just being myself. A much nicer change of pace / a much needed change of pace.

This Sunday is the Down To Earth Festival at the Hynes Convention Center. I'm really looking forward to this, not to mention getting to see and work with Bonnie there! I'm learning a lot more in depth about Lush as far as the morals of the company, how they source their ingredients, and our effect on the environment, this way I can share all this info with anyone who asks. And it'll be interesting to discover other green companies in or around the Boston area. So siked I was asked to work this! I'm the only new hire from my store that was asked to go.. again, little, I know. But it's a big deal to me!

(to learn more about the D2E Festival, read thissss: http://greencottonblog.com/2009/03/down-2-earth-boston-april/)

every night

I wake up every night several times, with images flashing in my head and I hear words you said over and over again. Things I don't want to hear or see but no matter how hard I try to push them out they come. Every night. I hardly sleep a full night now, and when the morning comes I stay in bed trying to catch up from the night. Maybe I'm just afraid to face the day. Sleeping until 2pm has become my way of coping. Some may think I'm just being lazy and depressed, but I think I deserve to deal with things however I feel is necessary, and I'd rather be sleeping than doing something more self destructive. And for what it's worth, I give myself the time I need to sleep off whatever sad feelings I have and then the rest of my day is filled with catching up with the things I need to do and it's almost like I don't even have the time to be sad then. I've slept half my day away, so I need to just focus and get things done. Whatever, it's working. I haven't shed one tear since last week and I intend on keeping up this streak.

At one point when I woke up in the middle of the night, it wasn't even sad or upsetting thoughts that popped into my head.. I got this wave of relief and excitement, thinking about how I know the next person I commit to will really be worth it and will be someone I'm going to be with for a very very long time. Someone who will make me feel just as good, if not better than the last. I'm excited to meet this future person and I suppose that's something to look forward to.

But I'm certainly in no rush, that's for sure.

spring, plz?

I can't wait for warm weather 24/7. Life will be so different then.



I took that a year and a half ago. Fall. I would probably do anything to go back to this time and start the last year over again.


I need the sun to brighten my day.
I'm having trouble doing it on my own.

it's been a while

So much is different, life. It's funny really. I hope from here on out I'm off the rollercoaster. What happens from here on out is in my control, if I don't want to be on the ride I don't have to be. I need to start making some decisions and sticking to them.

You were right. Being different is much harder but far more important than going with the flow of what everybody else does.

I've made some promises to myself that I intend on keeping. I'm going to stay true to myself, and give myself the respect I deserve. I deserve to be loved, and I'm not going to give myself to anyone until I'm sure it's worth it and it's a mutual appreciation. I'm going to find myself a home to call my own. I'm not going to deal with people who aren't worth my time.

Now that I've got myself where I want to be, I need to start applying the things I've learned and making the best of myself. No matter what anyone thinks, I know I'm a strong person and I know who I am and that I'm not everyone else. I need to let that shine through.

I was told the other day that I'm a good person and that I've been given the opportunity to get myself back on my feet and that I need to take it. I appreciate the honesty and positivity that surrounds me now, and I'm going to make the best of that.

Blah blah blah..

terrible

Way to start off my day. I hope it gets better from here on out...


It will get better.
I'm going to make it better.
No matter what choices you make.

on control

I took a long walk today, it felt good having the air in my face, no matter how cold it was. I just walked and walked and walked, me and myself. Cleared my head a little. It took a little bit to get to where I am mentally right now- I went back and forth so much in my head. I almost felt crazy because of how unsettled my thoughts were. I felt like I was having a debate with myself, trying to make points for both sides of my thoughts. I realized I need to stop worrying about what's next. I'm trying to just feel things out, let them happen, while keeping in mind all the things I've learned and want to apply to my life (which is an entirely new way of thinking for me, something I've worked on a lot). I can't control what he does or how things are going to affect him, if he's not able to just let go and not worry. And it doesn't mean I'm not good enough or not doing enough if he's not happy right now and can't see past what's happened. All I can worry about is me, and be confident that I am doing all I can. I'm not going to try and I'm not going to leave. I'm just going to be. And take care of myself. And if he wills it to happen, awesome. I can't make him want to do that right now, he has to want it on his own. It's unhealthy and detrimental to myself for me to continue trying so hard to make him see things when he doesn't want to see them right now, only to feel let down. I need to save my energy and try harder when the timing is right. I just need to accept the way things are right now.

"Ambiguity can be a wonderful thing."

Emotions are fragile, and oh so fickle. I wish there was a way to have more control over them. As I'm learning, the only way to control such a thing is to try your best to understand it. There's less fear that comes with understanding, which in turn empowers you. My goal is to really understand why I do the things I do so I can learn to stop unwanted reactions before they even occur. I don't want to be a slave to irrationality anymore. I want things to start making some sense! I want the anxiety and panic to disappear, and I want to enjoy my life to the fullest as much as I can. I'm taking all these new beginnings and I'm running with them.

Like the wind.

first day!

Work went so well! All we did was go over paperwork, and the employee manual, but it was so much fun! My days this week got all mixed around, and unfortunately she said it's going to be like this for a little while, but I get to go back in on Friday for a longer shift where my actual training will begin. I can't wait! But I realized today that I'm definitely going to need a second job, and I'm going to need it a.s.a.p.! So if anyone knows of anything, let me knooow please.

It feels good to be a contributing member of society again.

I'm kind of bummed, my plans with Laura got canceled tonight. I was really looking forward to catching up with her. And to being occupied. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my night now, but I need to do something. I'm trying to keep my mind off things, and it seems to be helping the situation over all. But it's still really scary being in the dark.

I just miss feeling completely happy. I want that right now, so bad.

FML

So LUSH just called, they're closing early because of the snow so I'm not going in today. And Teena's roommate just jumped in the shower.

Just my effing luck. Ughhhhh.
What do I do now??

the begining

Of all my new beginings.

Today should be a really great day- my first day officially as an employee of LUSH, I get to go in and fill out paper work and meet new people and get paaaid and work for the first time in over two months!! Sounds exciting, right? And even better, I'm going to see Pete right after work to get tattooed for free- I finally get to have the polar bear I drew out almost a year ago inked on me for my daddy.

It's just too bad I have this impending doom cloud hanging over my head, following me around wherever I go. Sort of putting a damper on my should-be awesome day. The feeling that any minute I could get the call to end any bit of happiness or excitement I feel right now. It's my fault, I'm letting it follow me around. I'm letting myself worry that this is going to happen. I feel panicky, shakey. I'm focusing on the wrong things.

After talking about everything with others and internally with myself, I had a lot of self-actualizations last night.
-I fear not having control over a situation that affects me, which in turn really gets my anxiety going. I sit here with a knot in my throat and a pain in my tummy and think and think and think, when that only hurts the situation.
-I have a fear of abandonment, so I'm constantly pushing and pushing to see how far I can push before it gets to the breaking point. Then I'll be abandoned, and I can say "I told you so" and have no one to blame but myself. I'm tired of being hurt by others so I'd subconsciously rather be hurt by myself.
-I'm constantly asking for validation not only because of my past and that I was never truly appreciated, but also because I don't know how to validate my own feelings. You can't rely on someone else to constantly validate you without driving them insane or making them feel like they're always doing something wrong.

Gosh, I just hope it's not too late to share these things and put them into effect. I mean, I guess I'm glad I learned them either way because they're important to realize about myself and to have an understanding of. I just don't want this to be a casualty of the learning process.

I'm going to go take a nice warm shower, head out to starbucks and get a coffee while I look over my employee manual, and hopefully distract myself enough to feel better about my day.

it ain't me, babe.

I don't know how we go from soo high up to soo low down. Is it really all me? Am I realy that fucked? Just when I thought everything was going perfect.. Sometimes I really fucking hate my brain and my heart.

wise owls

Teena just bought me these to "celebrate my new life, new job, and having a place to live"! She said I'm wise just like these little guys. They're so cute, I love owls! I'm giving her the blue one because she's great.

I've been meeting a lot of new people. I hope this keeps up. I'm hoping to find more substance and more things to occupy my time with. I need to connect more. I need to be stimulated more. I need to learn and expand and grow more. Keeeep it comin'.

FO'REALZIEZ

I GOT THE EFFING JOB AT LUSH!!!!!!!!!!! This floor interview went so much better, it was much busier and I was able to give more demos. Not to mention I sold a couple $40 worth of stuff and they got some free stuff too and they kept saying how friendly I was and how they need to come in more often (deal makerrrr). I'm going in monday to fill out paperwork and wednesday I start my training! The best part is she told me I'll mainly be working tuesdays and thursdays so that leaves me room to have another job! She said that's totally cool I just need to keep her informed about it. Espresso Royale? Ahhhh. So sikeddd.

HELLO NEW LIFE!

more on trust

There's nothing that makes you feel worse than seeing the person you love with someone else. Regardless of when it was, even if you're with that person now and there was a reason for why things were the way they were then. It just takes a piece of you.



I have a hard time with trust to begin with. I think it's funny when people try to hide things (you know, not necessarily lie to you but not be honest with you at the same time, that sort of thing) because they think it's what they have to do to protect you. When really, it does quite the opposite. Unfortunately, we live in a time when the internet rules everything, and even if you yourself make a conscious effort to not put your entire life out there for everyone else to see, you can't always rely on others to do the same. And I want to know when it's someone else's decision what's best for you? When you ask for honesty, usually it's because you need that and want that. Maybe that's just speaking for myself. I would just rather have someone be honest, no matter how much they think it's going to hurt me, than try and protect me because in reality it's probably just them trying to protect themselves from feeling guilty. I'm sure someone in that position may not rationalize it that way, or find it hard to admit that it's more selfish than anything else. But I'm sorry, it doesn't make me feel any better to learn about things on my own because let's face it, it all comes out sooner or later.

I know that what I saw wasn't necessarily wrong, in fact it definitely wasn't, and things are different now anyways. But that doesn't make it any less hurtful to see, and speaking as someone with trust issues, it doesn't make it any easier to trust. This is going to be something that will affect me for a while, and I wish it wasn't that way. I wish my trust issues had been taken more into consideration with the whole situation, but what's done is done. I'm trying my best to believe that everything that has come out since this came up is the truth, but it's hard when the whole thing was sort of covered up to begin with. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. I just hope that's enough to get past this.

It is the past.
It's in the past.
I'd really like to move forward.

Or have someone erase my memory.. that'd be nice.

Today went from a great morning, to an okay afternoon, to a terrible night. Hopefully there's still time to change that around. Atleast the weather was nice..

360*

Everything is great, great, great! I should be hearing back from LUSH by tomorrow and I'm fairly confident the job is mine. I found out last night I have a mutual friend with the manager and he's going to put in a good word. I hope that helps! Laura has informed me that Espresso Royale is hiring also! Hello, second job? I need all I can get at this point. And by next Sunday, the 8th, I will officially have a place to live! I'm moving in with Heather and Samantha and I couldn't be anymore ecstatic! Everything is falling into place. Oh, and it's been really nice rebuilding burned bridges with people from the past. There's no use for negativity anymore; the release of any tension regarding the past is definitely a step in the right direction. The past is the past for a reason.

In just the last few days, so many things have come together. Things can only go up from here! I have a lot of things to look forward to and I'm working towards getting my life on track. It's pretty gratifying when you can see physical evidence of the hard work you've put in and I feel it's all reflected in my attitude towards life right now. No one can change the mood/feeling I have right now!

The battle is far from over yet, though.

Areas of continued focus: trust, communication, attitude.

antony <3

The show last night was out of this world! Antony is so inspirational, watching the heart and soul he puts into everything he does.. amazing! There was a point where he stopped playing and just sat on stage and talked with us; it was like we were just hanging out. He was really interactive and had as all yell things out. So much fun! The band was so good too! One of them was a Berklee graduate so it was cool that he got to play at his old school. They were all so talented- the drums, cello, violin, flute, guitar, bass, everything! Soo good. Oh, and I got this cool t-shirt:

I really like the design.

So I think I just bombed my second interview at LUSH. Everyone says I did fine and I'm being too hard on myself. (What else is new?) I'm on my way to go drop off a thank you card to the manager. I hope that helps my chances! Then its off to some hypnosis thing with Dave at his school! Weee!

my sunday

We worked the Hartford, CT bridal expo today. So much better than the last one! They had people there with actual nintendo ds' this time so people could play them, and there was a "nintendo spa" set up so people could get massages while taking some time to check out the games.

I could really get used to doing this. The pay is phenominal and its so much fun! Oh, and Antony and the Johnsons later!! Yay.

almost there

I GOT A CALL FROM LUSHHHH, I'M GOING IN MONDAY FOR THE SECOND INTERVIEW! She said I have to wear black and white and I'll be doing demos and getting to know the store. This is better than I expected because I know I'll do well with the demos since I used to do that for the body shop and I'm sure a lot of other girls will be intimidated by that. And I'm positive I'll fit in with the group there, so this is great! STAY POSITIVE, STAY POSITIVE, STAY POSITIVE!

I'm almost exactly where I want to be! It'll be soo good to not have to worry about a million things and be on the way to figuring these things out. I've been feeling like I'm losing my mind! I've been so forgetful and disorganized. Teena keeps reminding me I'm doing well considering all the things I've got going on, but per usual I've been really hard on myself and can't just accept that I don't have control over everything right now. That'll be another step in the right direction- understanding that life is out of my control and I need to just take things as they come. I need to keep my sanity and try not to worry about things so much.

This is my new friend! His name is Benny and I love him.

I want today to be as relaxing as possible. I've got a long day full of awesomeness tomorrow and I want to be well rested and prepared for it. I'll be in Harvard Sq most of the day sipping on coffee, reading, and expanding my logic skills by doing sudoku.

nerves

So I talked to the manager of LUSH earlier today.. she's calling me later to let me know what day I have to come back next week for my second interview. Apparently I have to go through two. The interview I went to the other day was a group interview, which I didn't know, and when I spoke with her afterwards she said she'd definitely be calling me for the floor position and that she'd put my resume through for the ASM position. I guess I assumed that meant I have the job? Maybe its just standards that I have to go through the second interview? All I know is I'm sitting on the edge of my seeeaattt waiting for this phone call so I can know more about what's going on!

I need to stay positive! This is all really good! I showed initiative by talking to her after the interview, she showed interest in me, I showed more initiative by calling her today, she said she'd definitely call me back today.. what am I worried about? I'm definitely qualified for either position. Something has to work out. Ahh I wish I didn't worry so much!

Everything in my life is up in the air and everything is relying on someone or something else. I can't wait for stability!!!

in love

with Robin Pecknold.

fist full of love

I was lying in my bed last night staring
At a ceiling full of stars
When it suddenly hit me
I just have to let you know how I feel
We live together in a photograph of time
I look into your eyes
And the seas open up to me
I tell you I love you
And I always will
And I know you can't tell me
I know you can't tell me

So I'm left to pick up
The hints, the little symbols of your devotion
So I'm left to pick up
The hints, the little symbols of your devotion

And I feel your fists
And I know it's out of love
And I feel the whip
And I know it's out of love
And I feel your burning eyes burning holes
Straight through my heart
It's out of love
It's out of love

I accept and I collect upon my body
The memories of your devotion
I accept and I collect upon by body
The memories of your devotion

And I feel your fists
And I know it's out of love
And I feel the whip
And I know it's out of love
And I feel your burning eyes burning holes
Straight through my heart
It's out of love, ooh hoo
It's out of love

Give me a little bit serious love
Give me a little full love
Be full of love

Fists, fists, fists full of love...

i love this

I can't get over his voice.. it gives me the chills. I'm such a sap, I've been curled up in Teena's bed watching video after video, with tears in my eyes. It's crazy- I've had soo many good things happen in the last few days and I still find the time to cry! I guess I'm just a little lonely.. and c'moonnn, who wouldn't cry while listening to this..



I can't wait for Sunday. Apparently Evan's read reviews of past shows and they all say it's unlike anything and not to be missed. I'll probably cry then too haha. Ugh! Soo good!

indulging!

Teena's landlords's wife just made her this! What a wonderful lazy day filled with lots of good food and conversation.

cloud 9

Mmmm breakfast! I've been staying with Teena the last couple days and its been soo much fun! She's taking great care of me and being a wonderful friend.

Other wonderful things: I GOT THE JOB AT LUSH! And my resume is being considered for the ASM position open! (Helooo for real, dream job!) I'm probably working the Hartford CT bridal expo this sunday! Then Antony and The Johnsons with Evan later that night! Oh, and I might be living with Heather by the end of the month! No more "couch surfing"? (I can't really complain.. I've been sleeping in bed with Teena on her tempurpedic mattress haha!) Heather's soo right, when one thing comes together, they all do! Life is good.

!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSHHHH!!!! I JUST GOT A CALL FROM LUSH IN HARVARD SQ! I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW AT 5:30!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO DREAMM JOBB. SOO EFFING STOKED RIGHT NOW!

i'ma crybabyyy

Oh jeeze. I'm such a baby right now. I'm sitting at dunkin donuts eating a bagel and reading my book, and the song "hey there delilah" came on. And guess what I did? Started crying! Ugh I strongly dislike what lady hormones do to me! It drives me nuts! Anyways, back to my book...

best friend

Look at this cutie pie! I'm really thankful/excited for one more night with him. We're having a slumber party! Staying up all night watching Discovery Health!

"mermaid girl"

I saw the weirdest thing on tv tonight. This little 9 year old girl is literally a mermaid! She has mermaid syndrome; she's only got one leg and the bones in her feet are conjoined together as well as all her arteries. So weird. She was a great little kid though! Oh, and Fievel Goes West is a great film! Claaassic.

twitter

Yeah, I got one. Let's be friends on thurrr too.
(add me.. http://twitter.com/jennyvagabond)

Sooo tired.. about to start moving. Then passing the eff out!

soo tired

I worked at Gelette Stadium all day today with Heather, Samantha, and Julia. We asked people (it was directed mostly at women) questions about gaming systems and whether or not they play the Nintendo DS haha. It was weird because we were at a Bridal Expo! Not a bad six hours of work. We pretty much got to hang out and talk, and joke around with people there. It was nice to make some new friends, too. That's exactly what I need right now.

comatoasted

Today has been one craaazy ride.

I had a really good heart to heart with Dave tonight. It was sort of on accident that I happened to see him tonight, it wasn't planned and it was sort of on a bad note initially. But it does seem rather appropriate that we ended up seeing each other on valentine's day. PS- I am soo happy it's now Feb. 15th and the craze is over with. If I see one more girl walking around with a rose..

Last valentine's day Dave and I accidentally ended up going on a date, too. It's funny how that worked out. Last year was definitely the best accidental valentine's day date ever.

I am still recovering from the late night I had last night hanging with Evan and Enwright. The three of us and Andrew went to the Los Campesinos! show at the Paradise, and saw Titus Andronicus along with them.. some band from NJ. They weren't bad. The show as a whole was soo much fun! So much dancing, and clapping, and yelling! I made friends with kids dancing around me. Just so much good energy! Oh, and Evan and I made friends with these two kids dressed up as vampires on the redline, and he bought a beer off them for $1.35 haha.



Then the night ended with me, Evan, and Enwright staying up until 6am talking forever and making lists. And making plans for tonight that never happened! (Evan, you owe me!)

It's weird that I'll be moving the rest of my stuff tomorrow. I can't even believe how many times I've had to/chose to move in the last five years.. I can't wait to settle down somewhere at some point in my lifeeee. It's going to be a weird change.

I'm STILL so sad about Gatsby.. I'm starting to freak out. Tonight is our last night together. I'm going to miss this snuggle face more than anything! Even though it's just for a few weeks, it feels like it's going to be forever.



Yuck, I have to be up in four hours! I don't know why I thought I'd be able to get to bed early on my last night in the Buddha Lama haha. Tomorrow is going to be a verrrry long day!

grr

I'm such an idiot... why do I do this to myself?

$$$

I just sold my DS to some guy and everythings looking up! Now I have enough to pay off some of my debt and this guys daughter can have the white nintendo DS she always wanted that they stopped making! I love how life works! Oh, and Heather is helping me out with a gig making some extra money on Sunday! Sweeeet. (Thanks again, Heather!)

things from today

I loooove love food. I don't know how I don't weigh 200lbs! If I keep eating the way I have been, I'm bound to be haha. Getting rid of my food by Sunday is fun!

This was my dinner! Homemade pan fried veggie gyozas!

mmm delish!

And this was my lunch! Black bean, tomato, and "cheese" quesadilla!

Entertainment today: this was painful to watch. What's going on here? I can't tell if it's for real, or if it's an act. I wouldn't be surprised if it were either haha..





What a looong day. I'm so ready for sleep! I'm looking forward to tomorrow night- Los Campencinos! show at the Paradise! And I also can't wait for valentine's day to be over! Get this holiday propaganda outttaa myyy faaace! Wah waahh wah, it's annoying.

Snuggling Gatsby alll niiight!

aww!!

Kelsey just posted this on myspace, and it's soo cute! Thought I'd share.

repetition

More and more and more packing and throwing out. This is going to be another long day.

I need something fun to do tonight!

ughhh

I can't sleep. I need to sleep, I want to sleep. But it just won't happen! I think I need some really good snuggles.

successful day/night

I've found a new favorite show, and what's best is it's on right after Lost! Important Things with Demetri Martin:



Tonight was fun, Rachel and I went to the MFA (yes, we actually made it this time) and walked around for hours talking about lifeee while looking at art! We're going to be museum buddies. I want to go all the time, even if it's just to be around the creativity. It really inspires me!

Tomorrow is more packing. Today was semi-successful, I got a lot thrown away and re-organized. Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to be taking and what else is going in storage. I'm trying to sell my digital camera and my nintendo ds for some extra money.
(if anyone needs a new camera or loves video games, let me know! haha)

I'm still sad about Gatsby.. I don't want to leave him!


I'm so hungry, I can't stop eating! I need more people to come help me eat the rest of my food! As hungry as I am, I can't do it alone haha. Gahh I'm going to be pigging out the next four days!

roll with it

"You gotta roll with it, You gotta take your time, You gotta say what you say, Don't let anybody get in your way." Best way to start your day off.. sipping coffee, blaring Oasis.

That nervous/excited feeling is back! I'm spending the day packing things and getting rid of a lot of stuff. I'm also putting stuff together to sell for really cheap. Every dollar counts right now! I wish it was warm enough to have a yard sale. I hate the process and the hassle of having to take pictures of everything, make a post for it, all the e-mails and running around when you use craisglist! Oh well, I just need to do it. I got a huge chunk of the boxes that have been in the closets for months over Teena's yesterday, then we sipped some tea and I brought my waffle iron over and we made delicious banana belgium waffles! And we played with Kipper. He tried to hump my leg haha! I love spending time with Teena, she's so much fun; the girl is a ball of freakin energy! So many laughs and soo much support. Oh, and I filled out paperwork for food stamps! That will be really sweet to not have to worry about buying food for a while. It was weird to put down that I'm technically homeless now. Well, as of this weekend. I'm homeless. I guess I never thought of it that way. I'm thinking of having a huge feast one night to try and get rid of most of the food I have now.. I can't be carrying that around with me, and it's weird to store food in a basement for a month, right? We'll see. Tomorrow is the day I'll be planning what I'll be taking with me everywhere I go, and how heavy/light I'll be travelling.
The one thing that is making me soooo sad is the fact that while I'm in transit I'm going to have to leave this guy behind somewhere. He's my best friend, my baby. Last night I was just staring at him, and he stared back at me, and just the way he was looking at me.. made me want to cry! He makes my days a little brighter. And I don't want him to feel abandoned, or forget who his mommy is.. I don't want him to not love me as much. I feel terrible! I'm going to miss him sooo much. I'm really hoping that it only takes me a month or so to get caught up and back on my feet, and have some money saved up so I can find a place to live. Ugh, this is going to be so hard. But I just need to do it. Again, with the nervous/excited feeling! I'm scared because I know this is going to be tough. But I'm excited because I know I'm strong and capable of making this all work. It'll be an adventure!

Another crazy chapter to the book of my life haha.

quickie

Suuuchh a good night last night! I missed Dave, I love him so much. Hands down the best person I know. I can't wait until he can be in my life full-time again. We'll see, hopefully soon.

I'm in the middle of packing my things up and waiting for Teena to get here. I'm moving some of my stuff into her place today. It's going to be weird not living at "The Buddha Lama" anymore.. but a move I think is for the best. I'm trying to work really hard to get to where I need to be, and I think this is a step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of work, but I can do it.

I'll be couch surfing for a while. This should be fun.. haha.


TO CLEAR ANY CONFUSION UP FOR EVERYONE READING THIS, I'M NOT LEAVING TODAY, I'M LEAVING THIS WEEKEND. THANKS.

on trust

I have a lot of trust issues, all thanks to very untrustworthy people from my past. I'm forever tainted because of the lies I've been fed, more specifically from ex-boyfriends. And it's hard because now no matter how sweet and nice and honest a guy can be, I always find room to doubt. I'm starting to recognize this as a huge flaw in myself.. I really need to try and trust certain people, and trust in myself as well. I can't take the anxiety that comes along with the worry of always being lied to. I don't deserve to feel that way and that's just letting all of them win anyways. I need to be strong and let it go.

My sleep schedule has been much more under control lately, and I attribute a lot of the positive feelings I've been having to this. Good rest = a good mind. I need to keep up with this schedule!

Goooodnight.

consideration

i'm pretty sure that when you make plans with someone, if you figure out you can't follow through with them, the only polite and considerate thing to do is to pick up the goddamn phone and let the other party know. no matter how important or unimportant the said plans were.


these were important plans.

on substance

despite the troubles i'm still facing with my internal battles, things outside of myself are starting to feel a little better. my best friend, nana, is back from china. i didn't realize how much her being gone really affected me until i saw her on friday. we just talked forever, made delicious food, sipped hot chocolate, and watched monk (one of our guilty pleasures haha). and today i was lucky enough to talk to emily on the phone! first time since she moved to new jersey in august! her and i are so alike, and it was really nice to know i'm not alone in the way i think and feel about things- i'm not crazy! this is really what i've needed this whole time, some strong, open-minded, and beautiful ladies in my lifeeee. it's funny to me, i've always felt i got along better with guys, that i could relate better to them. but as i get older i realize how much that's changed. no one understands me quite like these ladies do. i'm so thankful to have such an understanding in my life.

i have a very nervous/exciting feeling that in 6 months from now, my life will be completely different. for the best, of course. it's just weird to think about because i know that a lot of the things in my life now will not be following me to my new, better life. i have this almost calming acceptance about it though. like i know this is what i need to do, and i'm okay with that. i'm just going to make the best of these things, and appreciate them, both good and bad, when they're gone.


i'm starting to like this routine: sipping coffee/tea and expelling thoughts from my head. i feel like writing things out helps me organize the mess of a head i have. i almost feel like it's also helping me open my mind a bit, which i'm sure is a result of my thoughts being clearer. but whatever. documenting my train of thought has been helpful in understanding and recognizing the changes i'm making. i'm already noticing the differences in my writing and the tone of my thoughts. overall, i'm feeling more positive. yaayy.

i might go try and take another bath. hopefully this one is far more successful than yesterdays!

just my luck

So I'm trying to take that bath I mentioned before... but there's no hot water!!! I got in and realized it was only mildly warm. Kept running the hot water, nothing. The kitchen sink, nothing. So since I'm still dripping wet and need to ATLEAST wash my hair.. I've resorted to this:

FML..

home alone

It's going to be really nice to have money to go out and do things again. I've been feeling like I'm turning into a hermit, but really I just dread going out because I can't afford to do anything. I don't even have money to take a bus or the t anywhere.. I am the type of person who enjoys a good cozy day in just watching movies, baking, or doing arts and crafts. But I've just been feeling really alone.. I spend most of my days doing those things by myself. Well, with Gatsby haha. Maybe I just need to make new/more friends.

How do you make new friends, exactly? I'm not in school, I don't have money to go out and even if I did I'm not sure I'd meet anyone worth meeting at bars or parties here. It's so hard to find substance in Boston. I just can't wait until the warmer weather so I can ride my bike, play frisbee or badmitten, lay by the river and read my book, or any of the other free fun things there is to do, even when you're by yourself.

I need good pictures of dream catchers, and Google images are just not cutting it for me! Anyone know of better ways to browse/find pictures?

I'm not really feeling well.. I think I'm going to go take a bubble bath and read some more of my book. Then I need to get motivated and do some things for myself.

traveling

I really enjoy the train ride to Gloucester. It's so pretty- almost the whole 50 minute trip the ocean is to the right and when it's not, you get to se all the little shops of Swampscott, or Beverley Farms, or the beautiful homes with ponds in Manchester By The Sea. This trip always makes me nostalgic, I have a lot of good memories from trips before.

570

I just got a call from the 570 Market down on Tremont St.! I had a really awesome interview with the owner a couple weeks ago, he's a really fun guy. He needed someone who would be at the store by 5:15am, but the first orange line train doesn't leave until 5:16. So I don't know, I left him a message back. Maybe he has a slightly later position to offer me? Maybe I have a job?

Fingers crossed!!

EDIT: I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB!!!!

it was Russo!!

Unsuccessful trip to the MFA. Rachel and I drove, neither of us knew how to get there, and we're both really bad at directions. I think we drove around for an hour and a half just talking! I would have known how to get there if I was taking the T or riding my bike, but in a car I'm useless. It was nice to just drive around and talk about everything. It reminded me of when I was in highschool. There's something about being in a car that's really peaceful; the soothing feeling of being in constant motion, the lights of the world whizzing by you. Rachel's really awesome and I'm so glad she's playing a bigger role in my life now.

So instead of the MFA, we came back to my apartment and baked cookies while chatting it up with Sarah. Vegan chocolate swirl chocolate chip cookies! Mmm mmm mmm. Then we all snuggled up in the livingroom and watched the new episode of LOST. That show is one mind blowing moment after another! I love how everything just comes together when you least expect it. I think that's why Sarah and I like it so much, we're always trying to put the pieces together. It's defeinitely entertaining. I totally predicted that the frenchies on the boat that found Jin in the ocean were Danielle Russo's crew from the past! And wtf, Jin's alive?! And I think we can all agree that it was obviously Ben who was trying to take Aaron away from Kate.. am I right, or am I right? Aahhh I love that show!

I'm in a very relaxed mood right now. It feels good just to be in my room listening to music. I'm feeling a little creative, so maybe I'll draw for a bit before bed. Hopefully Rachel and I will get to the MFA next Wednesday. I could use every bit of inspiration I can get right now!

potential

Still no word from Cafe Luna.. I'm going to call the manager today. I really want this job. Or a job, for that matter. I'm starting to lose my mind with all the free time that I spend alone cooped up inside, because I have no money to go anywhere or do anything. What's sad is I have so much time to do so many things if I wanted to. But I don't. I'm not using my time wisely. And I'm certainly not living up to my potential. There's so much reading, and drawing/painting, and learning I could be doing! I guess it's hard to focus on those things when I'm really trying to fix myself. Ugh, I can't wait to be a real person again and contribute something to society. Even if it's just making you your latte.

Hopefully my trip to the MFA with Rachel tonight will make me feel better.

Oh, and I made this for dinner last night! It was delicious!
I love baby mushrooooms.

ketchup!

So much has happened in the last couple days! This is why I say "my world spins way too fast." I almost can't keep up.

Saturday night was the best. It was very low-key and exactly what I needed- some time in the woods, a couple beers, good friends..

and a fire.

Sunday was spent with my family for my brother's birthday /superbowl party. I didn't care much for the game at all, but it felt really good to hug my parents and tell them I love them and see my brother and all his childhood friends. In a way, they're all my little brothers haha. It's strange seeing them all grown up into young men and it's funny that they still look up to me and think I'm cool. I like being the cool older sister. I would do anything for those kids, and I know they would for me. It's a gooood feeling!

I feel old, though. My LITTLE brother is 21 now. I can take him to bars.. oh god.

Last night was a really intense night. Dave came over and it was the first time I've seen him (besides briefly grabbing some of my stuff) in a couple weeks. It was a conversation that needed to happen and it went soo much better than I thought it would; he told me he'd wait for me to figure myself out and that losing him is the last thing I need to worry about. Which is such a relief, I've been feeling like he gave up on me and it hurts really bad to think the person you love is abandoning you. But that's really not the case, he's been such a great friend giving me all the support I need. We may not be able to be together right now but I know that he's still a part of my life and that I need to do this right this time, for myself and for him. I feel like it'll be a lot easier to focus on changing things about myself now, knowing I don't have to worry or be sad about that and that someone believes in me.

The job hunt continues! I've been glued to my computer/craigslist, applying at everything and anything. I called Cafe Luna today to follow up on my interview, but unfortunatly the owner that I spoke with isn't usually in during the week. I'm getting a little nervous.. I have until Saturday to find a job, or else I'm homeless. Anyone have a couch I can sleep on? haha

Oh, and

Can I just say.. Monarch Butterflies are the craziest creatures! Have you ever watched one develop from a catterpiller? Its simply amazing; unlike anything I've ever seen. I'm really dumbfounded as to how it works.. Not to mention how they travel from as far away as Canada all the way to Mexico and form these large clusters that cover trees, staying there for 5 months to lay their eggs and die. Incredible!

world wgbh

I'm sitting here watching History Detectives on WGBH with my dad, learning about Lucy Parsons. Its really inspiring me to act a little more radical in my own life. If you don't know who she is, you should look her up.

winter time

Quick update, because I don't really have time:

The interview went so well!! The owner is really great, her and I sat there and talked about the coffee business, how Starbucks is too corporate, all sorts of art, and how they have live music there all the time. She told me that they we're looking to hire a few people a.s.a.p., and she didn't cross my name off her list like other had been. So things look good! I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

The last few days have been crazy.. it's almost not even worth getting into. Too many serious feelings revealed, awkward conversations, and strange situations. But, a lot of laughs have been involved as well. Last night was margarita night at Evan Lunny's which was fun, but would have been better if I hadn't felt sick and out of it all day. And tonight is sledding at Trull Hill and campfires at Scott's parents! This will be the first time I've actually gone out and done something wintery. I'm pretty excited!

I'm going home to spend some good quality time with my dad today, too. He almost had to come get me last night.. I was a bit of a mess. It'll be good to talk to him about everything, he's the one person in my life I know I can always count on.

Some sad news.. I found out last night that one of our cats died. She was the momma of all the cats, and we've had her for a while. What makes the situation so sad is that she was always sort of a miserable cat, never liking attention (she would always hide out), and she was always sort of sickly. But over the last year she was finally coming out of her shell. She started eating more, gaining some weight, all her fur was growing back, and she enjoyed being around everyone and was way more affectionate. It's a shame and I'm really sad about it.. it's going to be weird not seeing her around when I get home. I'm always going to have fond memories of her though..

R.I.P. Sydney <3

yay!

I'm leaving for my interview at Cafe Luna any moment now! Wish me good luck! I'm going to need it haha. Ahhh I'm so nervousss!

a new day

Today I'm going to make a list of all these problems that I have with myself or with my past, I'm going to write why they bother me and how they've affected my life negatively, I'm going to re-read it all to myself once, and then I'm going to throw it all away. And once that piece of paper is in the trash, I'm making a personal goal to myself that I'm going to never let those things bother me again. Consciously, or subconsciously.

I'm also going to make a list of the things I want to either have done or in the works by the end of February. If I'm not happy with myself and my life right now, I need to take responsibility and change what needs to be changed. And I need to stick to this plan I'm setting for myself.

trying to give up on regret

I really need to vent right now.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but it's really hard when I'm feeling so alone. I know I have people in my life, but I feel like most of my friendships have suffered due to my own insecurities at one point in time, or maybe just the fact that I've moved on. I just don't feel close to anyone right now. I've been reminded a few times lately that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. But I want to know what happens when you can't rely on yourself either?

Ever since I can remember I've run from all my problems, never standing tall and looking them in the face. And now at the age of 23 that's all I know. I've been running since age 8, hiding between all the drugs and moving around every six months. And it seems as though I've hit a wall; I don't have the money or resources to run right now. I'm basically being forced to address all these problems that have been chasing me for years all at once, and it's a bit overwhelming. I've dug myself a very deep grave and I don't even know where to start fixing the situation. And how do you even have the motivation to change things when your friends think you're a failure, the person you love doesn't see the person they fell in love with when they look at you and it's because of you the relationship failed, and you're constantly struggling to find substance in your life? I just want someone to believe in me, someone to not give up on me. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.. I feel so weak and incapable of doing anything for myself or anyone else right now. I'm not where I want to be, I hate who I've become. I would give anything to be who I was a year ago.

I need to not be flat on my face anymore, but back up on my feet.

I've been writing this for over two hours now. I had so much more I wanted to say, but I can't get it out. I can't even vent or get my thoughts straight. I need more time to think.



Please don't give up on me...

the grieving process

I feel like I'm going to throw up.. This is the worst. That all too familiar feeling of heat and sickness that comes over your body, the prickles under your skin that start from your stomach and work their way up to your head, the salty tears that well up in your eyes no matter how hard you fight it. It hits you whenever it wants; it could be an old song or picture, or even just a simple word. Anything and everything. Fuck, I hate this. I want to fast forward time.

I need to try and sleep this off. This is not how I want to start my day.

i'm going pro

Today was an awesome day! I spent all of the morning and afternoon with Steve, mostly playing basketball. That hoop was such a good idea. Then as soon as Scott and Duvy got here we started playing two-on-two games. So much fun! It's kind of bittersweet though, we made it a great day because it was Steve's last. I'm really going to miss his company. I know he's not going away anywhere, we're just not going to be job hunters anymore. Or brunch dates. Or "Lost" buddies. Or basketball champs. Every morning, I wake up, and there's Steve. It's going to be sad not having someone to hang around with and just kick it all day. It was really comforting having him here.

Anyways, then after dinner Steve, Duvy, and myself left for a bike ride adventure! We rode everywhere- Somerville, Cambridge, Brighton, Allston, Back Bay (Prudential Mall, Newbury St., Marlborough St., The Commons, Comm Ave.), Fenway. We were gone for over three hours. And I still can't feel my toes! Riding was horrifically cold but it felt soo good to have blood pumping through my veins and wind blowing in my face; surrounded by a real sense of adventure. My life had a little more meaning today.

We also made that stop that I had been dreadding. It's comforting to know the worst is over. This is the end of a chapter in my life, and to be quite honest.. I'm looking forward to starting a new one. This is a fresh start, a new begining- I'm going to make the best of it.

More snow tonight.. I'm actually kind of siked on it. I'm going to stay snowed in and bake cookies, watch movies, and drink tea all day tomorrow. I'll probably stay curled up on the couch with my fleeece blanket and Gatsby. I'm glad I got my riding in today though, I probably won't be able to again for a while if we actually get as much snow as they say we're going to. That, along with how miserable it makes commuting anywhere, is why I hate the snow and a major reason why the next place I reside will not get any colder than 60! ..I still can't feel my toes.

good/bad news

Good news: I heard back from Cafe Luna in Central Sq. about the morning barista job! I'm going in Friday to speak with them. Fingers crossed! I reaaally want this job. Oh, and it's Eric's birthday today! I'm going to see him later and I can't wait because it's been far too long.

Bad news: Steve is moving out today.. I finally get used to having someone around all the time, and now it's back to long days by myself, eating breakfast and lunch with Gatsby. Now I definitely need a job, because I'm going to lose my head sitting here by myself all the time. Also, I have to take a trip later that I'm not looking forward to. But I need to just get it over with to move on with my life.

REMINDER:
Ryan: well hey, you tried
Me: yup, and it wasn't good enough
Ryan: no no no you nerd
Ryan: you tried
Ryan: THAT'S good enough


I think Duvy's coming over and the three of us (including Steve) are going to go on an adventure. The sun is shining, it's Steve's last day, I actually feel okay right now.. we're going to make something of today!

it ain't me, babe.

I feel like I'm never able to sleep anymore. I wish there was more to do this late. Not that it matters I guess, I'm awake but I'm so drained and brain dead to the world. I don't think I could hold a conversation right now. Actually, I don't feel much like talking at all today for that matter. But this sleep thing, it's got to go. I'm tired of laying in my bed staring at the ceiling.

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more." -Woody Allen

This is the newest addition to our kitchen! Tonight, Steve, Scott and I had a basketball tournament. We played two one minute long sessions of free throw shots and whoever had the most points at the end won. Erin timed them, Rachel kept score. And guess who won? Meeee. It was good to feel active and energetic again! I love this living situation. Everyone here inspires me in different ways, whether it's intentional or not. I know I've learned not only a lot about myself, but also who I'm not. It's good to keep that in mind.

It scares me that this situation might change in the next week or two. I have no idea what's going to happen between now and then.

Making art went really well. Rachel used some water color colored pencils that were really cool, and she drew this really awesome guitar. I've been working on an idea for a couple of weeks- I want to take three 19" x 24" bristol boards and draw/paint them all with different feels, but with complimenting structures to them and then hang'em on the little bit of wall space I have and using them sort of as wallpaper. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for all three, but I was inspired by something I saw and started the outline of the first one three weeks ago. Today I did some of the outline of what I have drawn with pen&ink, and then used my ink set and my sumi brushes to fill in some color. I think I want this to be a mixed media piece. Anyways, this is how far I got. It's nothing special yet, but I thought it would be exciting to document my progress, especially since this is the first thing I've had motivation to do in a long while.

We'll see how it goes!

I gave three haircuts tonight haha. It started off with Erin's bangs, then turned into Rachel's bangs, which thennn turned into Andrew's hair.. I really wish I could do this for a living. I wish it was possible to go back to school for me because the only thing standing in my way right now is money. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much smarter it would be to establish myself somewhere I know I'm going to be for a while, then persue barbering school. I really want to learn the basics and then expanding more towards hair dressing by taking my creativity and running with it. I also want to learn how to give ill fades!

The other day, during an interview, I was asked what my dream job is. I stuttered a bit coming up empty with an answer. But I think I know now.

I'm pretty sure that one of the only things that makes me smile anymore is Gatsby. He truly is my best friend. The only one who will never leave me, yell at me, make me cry, or stop needing me. It's comforting to know that where ever I go, he'll go. I could be anywhere in five years from now, but I know I'll have something constant in my life. Heeee's my babyboy.

Tonight is sort of a sad night. It's been a good one; a lot of good people and fun things. But there was a lot of me missing tonight, detached from reality. I need to really remind myself to be strong. Don't let it get the best of me. Tomorrow's a new day and the future looks bright. It's not the end of the world. (and repeat)

I just noticed it's 3:23am and that the the time and date of this post are incorrect.. I'm not sure why. I should definitely be asleep. WTF?!